The last minute of my being 26.

But it doesnt matter. I just spent the best day of my life... The best last day of my being 26..

The best surprise on earth. Romantic, sweet, adorable, cute, amazing, gorgeous, what else can I say? I was thrilled.

And then, bad luck struck me. But guess what, after whatever mess I felt, I now believe that i was wrong to think this was bad luck. Why do I always think of things in a negative way? He was here and that's all what matters. I didnt need people, nor a cake, not even my family singing me and reminding me of the age issue. All I wanted to feel and experience was his existence in my life. His being by my side, so close to me, anywhere on this planet, caring for me, looking after me, and making up surprises for me. I was over the moon. His being by my side for all those hours was all I ever wanted. Those moments of being by his side was worth it all. And I have to admit, I'm so in love with everything about him.

After every clash, we get to experience days of happiness.

Its like we missed each other, and want to go back to the loving state.

And it wasnt the lunch in the expensive resturaunt nor the fancy clothes. It was the low key things that brought us back together. Just a ride in the car, eating MC D's and Kitkats in the street.

All I wanted was to make him happy and satisfied. And all he did was be supportive and do everything he can to make me happy and secure. And I realised how important this man is to me and how cruicial is his existence in my life :)

A whole day of silence.

Trying so hard to make a conversation happen, or see a smile or a lil laugh.. But I was a complete failure. It was supposedly a day to reconnect. A day to make things better for both of us. But nothing was better.

We didnt talk. We kept silent. And this silence of his meant a lot to me. I realised how sad he is of what I said. I also realised that I should never ever express myself openly.

I learned that women are filled with filthy hormones that make us lose our partners. And the solution is, "Never Talk" when angry. I'd rather bang myself in the wall than be in this state for a week.

I'm sorry I was stupid. I kept quite and kept waiting for something to happen, and when nothing happened, I started wondering what's wrong. And as usual, I figured out all what could be wrong that revolved around me. And after a long while, I let it out all on him, and now, I've gained the consequences of revealing my inner frustrations. He doesnt talk to me. He is always frowning, doesnt have anything to say. He doesnt look at my anymore. We spend a lot of time in silence. And not just any silence, the Awkward state of Silence.

Anyway, and the lesson learned is, I will never ever talk when I'm upset or angry. I will just keep the anger and frustration to myself. Maybe share it with my friends or mum, but not with him. And I shouldnt be wanting him to do anything for me, or expecting anything from him. I should be doing everything on my own. And I should seriously get used to that. I should never show I'm sad or upset or disappointed. And if I am, I will spend sometime alone in my cave till I recover from my problems and return back to my normal state of being.

I'm so sorry. It turns out i'm just a woman. I freak-out like everybody else, I lack esteem most of the time, I'm jealous, and I fear your leaving me. So, I'm gonna back off, give you your space, and give myself mine.

The distance is getting bigger.
The silent moments are increasing and the awkwardness is unpreventable.
Frustration increases everyday.
No more zsa zsa zsu.
Emotional dryness is prevailing and its scary.
Calls are empty and formal. They are also shorter and becoming weirder everyday.
Voices are dull and reveals the feelings of guilt and depression.
Nothing is happening; hence, nothing is getting any better.

Everyday it's worse and everyday I wish for things to get better.
I prayed the other day for relief, for the better, for the good, and I keep waiting.
I was asked not to wait and not to worry.
I am not worried, I am expecting the normal and getting the unexpected.
I was blaming myself all along, but I shouldn't be doing that anymore.