An hour, two, five, seven, eight hours without hearing his voice..
And every minute kills me..
Should I call? What will I say? I have nothing to say..
Should I appologise? Should I wait for him to say something? Should I give him his space?
Was I wrong? Or was I right to speak up with my troubles, looking for fast solutions?

Am I rushing things? Or is it already late and I should have rushed things from the beginning?

Am I a bad person? Should I be considered a good partner? Should I be that sad?
I am so sad.
Without him, hours are like million years. I keep looking at my phone every second waiting for him to call. Waiting for him is really painful. And calling him would make me feel the worst ever, if I found out that he's upset or sad..

I miss him like hell. I miss him so much. I've been busying myself all day with all sorts of things in order not to think of the problem I've placed myself in. But I couldn't. He is the only thing on my mind and all I want is to find my phone ringing with his name on it. I want to see him. I really want to see him. I am tired of being obliged to lie in order to see him. I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of making up stories.

I really miss him. Breathing is hard without him.
Should I call? But what will I say? I simply have nothing to say but the fact that I miss him and love him so much. I want to see him so bad. I wanna kiss him so much and hug him so tight and maybe then he would know how much he means to me, and how sick I can get without him.

Eight hours, like an eternity. Eight miserable hours.
Should I call?
I will call. Eventually I will find something to say.

Bored
Enraged
Tired
Helpless..
Hate myself.. so much..
Tired of waiting..
Tired of being helpless..
Bored of myself..

Crying my eyes out.. Wish I could cry till I run out of tears.. Can I ever get rid of those tears and learn to stop crying..


Wish I could have a means to stop torturing myself..

Wish things were as easy as I pictured them to be.. But as usual, I am too optimistic for this stupid world..


I hope she's happy now that my life is all messed up. Nothing is working out right "sob7an ALLAH".. Its all wrong.. Hope she's internally satisfied seeing me in such state of sadness..


Dont know what should be done.. Have nothing to do and its killing me..

I feel trapped.

Letting out some anger
A lot of frustration..

Well actually, its more anger than frustration..
I am angry, enraged, in a state of wrath.. There is some war inside my head..
And this time, I am right.. I have all the right to feel that way..
But there is nothing to be done about it..
Either I stay in that feeling forever, or I just try to suppress it like I always do, but after a little while it will appear in a larger form than it originally is.

I am simply tired of waiting
I am tired of complaining
and I am tired of being blamed

I will simply stop acting and stop thinking.
I will stop being available.. I will again hide from it all.
I will not discuss, or nag.
And I know for sure that nothing will happen and I will either learn to adapt to the current status or burst.

Some Nonesense

In the dark..
Where its so cold outside but so warm inside.
Together..
Alone, but not alone..
Not recognised by the passers..
Unaware of the world..

Scary.. Risky.. Tender.. Wild.. Unstoppable.. Satisfying..
Reaching a peak were its hard to stop.. but have to..

Extreme satisfaction and frustration..
More is tiring, but who wouldnt want more..
More is scary, but should I even care?
Thirsty but in no need for water..
Experiencing a different kind of hunger that actually tastes good..

It doesnt last, because its beautiful..
But at least I had the chance..

Woke up like that
Frowning.. Remembering all things that would upset me in the same instant..
And I just got myself into the mood of boredom and anger.

And I am not even willing to listen to the bright side of life...
And although the things bothering me are minor and workable, I still am in this mood and not really willing to get out of it.

When it comes to weight, I really dont want to go through the trouble of eating diet food, but the thing is, I have to because I hate the way I look when I see myself in the mirror. Why am I even treating myself in that harsh manner? I have no clue. But I just hate the fact that I gained so much weight.

When it comes to problems at home, I have no hand in them. I cant solve them and no one can. Its out of our hands. And I even shouldnt be bothered or thinking the way I am. But I hate feeling trapped and helpless. It has been a never ending problem.

I also hate waiting, and depending on others to finish my own errands for me. But again, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless.

I hate the bad attitude I have to go through with people at work. I hate having to be all professional and firm and frowning all the time. Im tired actually of it.

When I look at what I just wrote, I realise that they are really minor issues compared to what Ive been through before. So why am I so depressed right now?

While in bed waiting for sleep to come and end the day, I started thinking of the million things God gave me that I should be thankful for. I remembered those days when I was really miserable and believed back then that I was doomed with this misery forever. But I realised that its not true. Finally, I was given the reward I was waiting for.

I started off this year with something extra special. And I just realised that it has occupied all my writing, thoughts, daily actions, and my universe. I mean.. isnt he an angel?

I mean, whenever I feel down or face a problem, I think of him and I realise that there is nothing to worry about as long as he's here with me. Nothing compares to him and nothing deserves any worry or even happiness. He deserves all my thoughts, my time, my efforts, my attention, even my pains and worries. I shouldnt waste anything on anyone but him. He fills me with peace and love and a bunch of more good feelings that I can't really describe. I keep remembering the many good things we had together and I realise that this is the ultimate happiness. Its been 8 months and I feel like its been more than that. I can't remember anymore my life before him. And I really dont want to, because it was meaningless.

Yesterday, I kept telling my mum how much I loved him. I never thought I had the courage to express my emotions in front of my mum. But I did, and repeated it a million times till she was like "Ok, Ok, I know you love him".. I love him.

Attached

Is that what it is?
To feel like nothing makes you happy but being by his side?
I mean, I am attached to him.
I have to hear his voice a million times a day.
I have to see him more than 3 times a week. And not just see him, I have to stick to him "like glue". I have to be so close to him.
I am attached to him. I am the happiest when he is around.
I am addicted to him.
I thought these are only some words I read in romantic novels. But it turns out to be a phenomenon. I mean I really am addicted to him. Two days without him causes me depression. I enter into this phase of bad mood and a sense of self intolerance. I simply ache.
Its actually so weird and scary to feel like you totally depend on a person. All your emotions, powers, energy and life is based and dependent on that one particular person. Its like he's my oxygen, my water, my air, my means of survival. And you simply take the idea of him leaving or abandoning you, forgranted. And you take the risk because you can't simply live without him. You cant simply breathe without him.
And you tend to tolerate anything bad from this world as long as he's there with you. He is your source of happiness. He is my main source of happiness and survival.
Yesterday I felt scared when I realised that he is my everything. I felt attached to him. Whenever I moved around to meet anybody, I felt away, and wanted to simply go back to him and stick to him like glue. He is all I want and the only one I wanna be with.

I'm totally attached.

With all the disappointments and fights
With all the worries and inconveniences
I was still happy.. because I have him..

After all the tears and fighting..
I found him waiting for me.. Willing to take me in his arms and ease my pain..
Patient and willing to listen to my nonsense..
He is always there.. Always caring.. Although I mostly say nothing important at all, but he still listens and cares, and most of the time fetches solutions for me..
He picked me up from nowhere.. He held me tight in public.. He filled me with love and warmth..
He makes me feel like the world is great..
The world is really great just because he is sharing it with me.

The other day I was so tired and sleepy. But I was so in need of being with him.
I went to him and buried myself inside him.
In his arms I feel like home.
In his arms I feel happy and forget the entire world.
In his arms I feel warm and safe. I feel loved.
His simplicity makes my world beautiful.

I just hope I would as good a partner as he is to me.
I wish I'm good enough for him.
I hope I make him happy just like he does.
I'm so in love with him

A clash happened
It was my responsibility.
I believe I should have been a little bit flexible so as not to cause any trouble.
Or was I right?

I hate dealing with people of this country.
I dont like my work colleagues or my boss.
I am not like them and I never want to be.
I am too polite for this job.
Should I quit it all together or should I just change?

I am honest, sensitive and truthful.
I am just, responsible and open.
I dont have secrets, and I hate lies.
These characteristics are not good when it comes to working in this corrupt society.

So here is the solution.. I hope it works.
Be formal with everyone
Talk less, listen more.
Be more professional and less emotional
Cry less
be friends with no one at work
beware of all colleagues, they are just work colleagues
Be firm all the time with everyone

I wont misjudge myself anymore
I'm a good person and to hell with all of them

My first and best Valentine's day

The best 2 days of my life

Was on a three day work assignment out of Cairo, and I was so depressed that I won't be back home with my baby. I hate leaving him. Even if its just for three days. But still he was so far away. On my first day, I kept telling him how much I missed him. I was talking to him on the phone 24/7. And I actually felt pain in the heart from missing him. Distance causes me a heartache. My other half was away and I was all alone in bed.



He promised to come spend the day with me. I couldnt sleep from excitement. He told me he would take me out and he did. As soon as I finished work, he was there. He came all the way to spend the day with me. He drove all this distance to be with me. And I was over the moon. I couldnt sleep thinking how will we spend the time together. I couldnt stop thinking of him. And here he was, the cutest ever. He was wearing this new shirt and looked so stunningly cute. We ate, drove, talked, walked, laughed alot, and shared so many beautiful things. I felt like a student who ran out of school to hang out with her boyfriend. I couldnt believe that he was really there. It took me a while to calm down from the excitement I was in. I was Happy. HAPPY is a small word describing how I felt. For the first time in years I felt loved and cared for. I felt special, finally. And I'm blessed and glad that God granted me with such a great husband.



We ate by the sea, and his hands were all around me. His hands were holding mine. His warmth was surrounding me and I was smiling all day. I was happy. I love him. He was holding me tight, he was my companian for a whole day. We were together, alone, in a different city for a whole day.

Then, after a long day of work, fighting and crying, he drove all the way to pick me up from nowhere. There he was, the cutest thing ever, holding a bunch of red flowers in white wrapping and I was speechless. I barely held my tears. I am blessed. I am loved and I'm head over heals. I hugged him. And I forgot all the trouble. I didnt care about anything but the fact that he's there. I am finally with him. I am finally home. We drove all the way home, met my parents, had dinner, and had fun. I was all sleepy and tired, but I was still the happiest person on the planet. I was in love with the best man in this world. My husband. I love the sound of the word in my ear; "my husband", "my hubby", my love... my baby :)



Thank you baby for making me that happy

Thank you for making me fall in love with you every single day

Thank you for being my baby

Thank you for making me smile

Thank you for being just who you are

Thank you for loving me... :D



I am happy and in love.

Appologies
Couldnt speak
Some things are better not to be spoken about
Some things are better left unsaid
Appologies
Couldnt talk
Sometimes I just find solutions when I'm quite
And sometimes there are no solutions in the first place
Appologies
Couldnt change the tone
Everytime I try, I feel like I'm lying
And everytime I do, I feel like a hypocrite.
Appologies baby
I'm ok.. Just need time to resume myself
and soon I wont show this aweful side of mine
I'm sorry I made you worry
And I'm sorry that sometimes I keep quite..

Resume the story
Lets go back in time
A little bit back
And put it in a different course. A more desirable scenario.
Lets fix the story. Include some happiness in it.
Fill it with love. Reduce the pain. Give it a happy ending.
Remove the guilt. Make it romantic. Remove the mistakes and make it perfect.

But you simply can do none of that. It has to be just the way it is.
So long and so annoying. And you simply cant predict the ending. You have to wait till it ends. You cant rewind it, you cant change the course of action. You have to wait for it to pass in front of your eyes. And you will always be helpless. Unable to have control over it.
And everyday you wake up in the morning wondering what will this day have for you. And you wish it passes in peace. But none of your days are peaceful. You hope the routine ends. But does it end? You wish that all people treat you well like you do. But you realise they are all cruel.

Why the hell do we have to go through it then?
Why can't it be a little bit simpler and easy to go through?
Why can't it be a little bit predictable and obvious?
Why am I even worried? Why dont I just let it be?!!
Let everything and everyone just BE..
I shouldnt be giving a shit.
Because at the end of the day, I have nothing to do about it.