Three months of fighting over and over..
Fights over the same issue.
I hear the same exact words, the same tone of voice, the same shouting, the same issues over and over.
The problem is never ending. And I dont know how to solve it and I dont know what to do.

I'm not the nagging type. And I'm not the type who likes fights, shouting, or trouble.
I'm sick of his shouting.
I'm sick of his complaining and I'm sick of him making me feel like I'm so weak.

Three months of shit. He is always asking and waiting for something to happen. And everytime he asks me, I have nothing to say so we end up fighting and I end up crying.

I hate his loud voice.
I hate his harsh words.
I hate his attitude.
I hate his intolerance.
Im always scared of his voice and scared of his brutality.

But at the end of the day, he is my protector, he loves me and I know that every single brutal word he is uttering is true and is reasonable. I know I should listen and do what he asks me to do, but I dont want to. I know he's right and I know he wants whats good for me, but still I dont want to listen to him. I also hate his way. I wish he was a little bit calm. I wish he had a better way of explaining things to me other than his loud voice and harsh words.

I'm tired of this never ending fight.
I'm so tired. And I really want to hide. I wish I could hide.
I wish I could travel far away from everyone I know. I wish I could be alone for a while.

Resolution ONE Million and TWO Hundred Thousand

Back Off
Mind my own business
Cool down
Be diplomatic
Leave it up to them to decide on their part
Focus on myself
Lose so much weight
Exercise
Listen to my father more
Pray more
Spend more time with my friends
Work hard and again "mind my own business"
Accept all sides of myself
Love all and trust none
Read
and Finally, talk less

2009, here I come..

Fake it and Win the World

Fake a smile
Fake a laugh
Fake respect..
Fake love..
Fake friendship..
Fake it all.. Become a hypocrite.

I'm not one and I cant fake. But maybe I should learn it.
After all, its what makes you win it all.

Fake it all, win it all.

I was told that being "seyaseya" (political) is the best thing. You get to make everyone happy by just using some words. By praising them, even when you actually hate them, you win their respect and you get what you want.

But isnt it deception? To actually convince a person that you respect him/her and love him/her?

Thats the new rule, fake it to win it.

My Father and my Mother-in-Law

My father has been driving me crazy since the day he realised I'm getting married sometime soon. All I get from him is frowns, jealousy, curfew made earlier, more fights about my going out or talking over the phone, apartment issues, and damn it he hasnt been that silly in ages.

He didnt give me one nice word about my marriage. He is so negative and so pessimistic. He never said anything bad about my fiance and always says that he is good, but that doesnt mean he isnt jealous and that doesnt mean he shouldnt make me suffer. I cried a million times because of his annoying attitude and meaningless fights. He makes me feel like I'm not gonna be his daughter anymore when I get married.

Today he was so rude. Although I came home 10 minutes before my curfew, he still shouted and blamed me for going out with my fiance. He was like "you should see him only once a week at home and that is it, you are not married yet". I hear that everyday, and I simply ignore his jealousy, because otherwise, we'd be fighting everyday and I would be crying every night. I also say nice things about baby in front of my parents so that they love him and know how great he is. And it actually worked with them. But I cant prevent the jealousy.

Today, baby confessed that my mother-in-law is feeling the same. She believes I'm taking her son away from her. I know that she felt this way since the day of our engagement. I saw it in her eyes. And I know I'm not loved. And it is her right. Im coming to marry the guy of her life. The guy she gave birth to, the guy she raised, the guy who takes care of her, support her, look after her, the person filling her life. I'm basically asking her to give him to me. And since my father is jealous because his daughter is being taken from him, she is jealous as well because her son is being taken from her. And I totally respect those feelings of her, but unfortunately, I feel hated. I also feel trapped. I'm hanging there inbetween 2 jealous parents and I'm asked to tolerate both and find solutions to ease the worries of both. And they are not just any parents, they are two uneasy parents. Two hard to deal with parents.

I feel like I'm the bad girl, when deep inside I know I'm not. I totally believe that I respect her and insist on having her desires and wishes fulfilled. I always ask baby to see what she needs. I try to check on her often, I also try to make her know that I'm gonna make her son happy. I even asked baby to furnish a room for her in the apartment so that she can come sleep over whenever she feels like it. I always ask about her and I would never ever want to take her place. She is a great woman. I really respect her and look highly upon her. She raised two great kids all alone and that in itself is something heroic.

Besides my mother in law and father, there is my mother who feels like I took a share of hers in my life and gave it to baby. She always blames me for being away and going out alot, which makes me spend less time with her. She loves baby so much and is so happy for us, but is feeling lonely coz I'm rarely there. I'm always out, or in but thinking of my new life, the apartment, anything that is taking my mind off her. I do my best to be there and take care of her, but she also has to understand that Im finally starting to have a life. And not just any life, a great one isa.

I feel helpless, and trapped. I feel hated. And as I usually am when I'm faced with troubles, I need to hide from the entire planet.

Deserted Child

While reading a work related report concerning “feminized poverty”, a statement mentioned that “20-30% of all Egyptian households are headed by women”. Then, it defined Female Headed Households (and giving it the acronym of FHH), as “households in which a woman is both/either the primary economic contributor and supporter of the family and/or the primary legal and social representative of the family within the community”. And finally, it mentioned that female headed households result from women being widowed, divorced, or abandoned by their husbands; deserted wives.

Five minutes before reading that paragraph, I was listening to a colleague at work, who decided to confess to me his problems with his father. He was abandoned when he was 2 years old by his father, who divorced his mother and decided not even to help financially. His mother worked as a tailor, to be able to financially support her only child. She was 19 when she got the divorce and decided not to get married and dedicate her life to raising her child. He explained that his father is his mother’s relative, and accordingly, he gets to see his father because he lives near by. His father never spent a penny on him, and now that he is a grown-up, married, has 2 daughters and a job that pays relatively well, his father started communicating with his eldest son, mostly asking him for money. And although his father has a job that pays, and income that comes from rent, he still asks my colleague for money. And although my colleague never got money or fatherhood from his father, he believes that he should take care of his father out of “religion”. He told me that God asked us to take care of our parents, even if they are atheists and even if they were never good to us. He also told me a hadith, which means that a person and his money are for his father, meaning that a person should give up himself and his money for his father. And accordingly, my colleague visits his father and supports him as long as he is capable of doing so, when he never felt that he had a father.

It didn’t surprise me to hear his story. It turns out that his story is everyone’s story. I mean men now are turning into bastards, where they let go of their duties as fathers and financial supporters. And its not all about money, its about having a father figure out there who supports emotionally, who teaches you what is wrong and what is right, who makes you feel safe in times of trouble or danger. I mean a father is an important part of a child’s life. A father is a pillar to ones being. But it turns out some tend to just deny that role, or simply let go of it for so many reasons. Some hate the mother, so he gives her up and her children are considered part of her, so he gives them up as well. But why abandon your children when they are yours? They need your presence. They need their father.

And what if, after so many years of being abandoned by your father, he decides to appear? What if he decides to be a father? What if you actually find him, how should you deal with him? Should you accept him? Should you be there for him when he wasn’t ever there for you? Should you respect him? Should you check on him and be nice to him? Religion obliges us to be nice to our parents because it is our way to heaven.

And this abandoning of the child financially and emotionally puts the mothers in a huge hassle of having to be the mother and the father, of having to work and earn income to support the needs of the children, of having to be a working mother and a working father. Being a female head of household is in itself a social hassle. I look highly upon mothers who succeed in bring up good children. They have done all they can to make them become successful, healthy adults. And I despise every man who gave himself the right to abandon his kids and deprived himself and them of a father. And I despise him even more for making his “used to be” woman go through all that suffering alone.

But again, the question is, can I be good to my father who abandoned me and was never there for me? Should I? I don’t even know whether to use the word “should” or “could” when asking that question. Could I be a good daughter to a person who has never been a good father to me?

Its like a wound, a fracture.

It hurts, it can heal, but you have to let it heal.

You have to maintain all the situations that can make it heal.

Maybe it needs to be bandaged. Be protected from the air and bacteria.

It needs also to be protected from fierce or aggressive action.

You shouldnt use the fractured area often, or maybe at all for some time till it heals. Or else, it wont heal, and maybe leave a Big Scar. And a scar never heals. It stays forever. And if a scar develops, it can never be forgotten, never be eliminated.

It was a wound. It was willing to heal. It is still willing to heal, but everytime one steps on it, it hurts again. It hurts, but Im strong enough not to make any sounds or any reactions to the pain I get. But after a while, the hurting will be stronger, and then a scar would develop and the wound might never heal.

Im feeling something weird
Is it fear?
I guess this is it.

Is this a sign from God that I might in any moment lose it all? Or is it a sign that I should fight?Or is it just some silly thing that I should bear for the rest of my life?

I mean, why on earth does it pop up so often?
Im scared. Im terrified. And I dont want to always blame it on me.
I mean, why does it always have to be me who is doing something wrong? And why do I have to accept something like that in my life.

Its all so weird and inappropriate and killing me. Everytime it appears, I get broken and scared. And I work so hard on forgetting, but it pops up again and again and again.

Am I too obssessive? Too freaked out? so selfish?
I think Im a normal human being and any woman would have felt the same way I do right now.

Hope I dont do anything stupid.

Who said the world is pink?
Who said anything on this planet is perfect?

I was brought up knowing that being polite and behaved are good qualities that a person should have to be respected and live a good life. Unfortunately, every single day the world proves to me that this concept is wrong from its roots. Who said politeness is something you should respect nowadays?

People now are all liars, betrayers, deceivers, opportunists.
You dont find love or respect anymore. No emotions, no culture. People are not trustworthy and cant be made friends. It is all chaotic and annoying.

Whats even more painful is that you get stabbed by the closest people to your heart. And that is when you lose faith in the entire world. Even the close people usually hurt you and would most likely abuse you to reach a certain aim. Since weakness is a relative thing, everyone will have someone to abuse, or be evil with. And since we all have an evil person inside us, everyone becomes evil in the end. And here comes a world without any one "good" person. And the word good will vanish from the dictionary soon, or maybe its meaning will change.

I envy people who are selfish, who are unbehaved, who dont suffer the feeling of guilt. I envy people who knew that the world was that bad and are good at coping with it. I envy every unbehaved person, every liar, every opportunists. At least they can live in this world and expect the worst. At least they can get what they want and reach their goals.

Street Harassment is killing me
I kind of even got bored of writing and worrying about it.
The other day I was with my best friend riding her car and we were parking it, when all of a sudden another car stood right next to ours, and it had 2 guys inside. One of them opened his window and started telling my friend the harassing statements that we all hate to hear. I gave him a look, which was supposed to make him feel like he’s a nobody and that he is doing something inacceptable. But was that enough? I was full of rage I wanted to insult him or pop up with all the bad words I’ve learned in my life.

It was a one minute incident, but usually a cause of some anger mixed with feelings of weakness. I hate being a woman and being liable to such mess every single day. Why do they enjoy making us feel like sluts? Why cant they just keep quite and admire us silently? I believe that their pleasure comes from causing us such anger.