Insecure

Hiding somehow...
Burried in this computer screen... Praying, reading, working, chatting... Anything other than thinking... Avoiding myself... Avoiding confrontation and disappointment...

And maybe I'm just PMSing and filled with pessimism and negativity as usual for no real reason... Maybe I'm just being all childish... Maybe I am just feeling insecure!

That's it, I am insecure...
I am filled with insecurities in many parts of my life and I'm hiding from all those fears, avoiding the thoughts to avoid the depression that accompanies the thinking...

Fear
Change
Insecurities
Jealousy
Burden
Distance
Moody
Lack of appreciation
.... And I will just hide from all that!

As soon as I knew that we're meeting "x", my esteem went below zero...
Whenever the name pops up, I start picking every single thing that I hate about myself, and I end up thinking of how ugly, silly, dramatic, boring and worthless I am...
I simply lose all confidence; if any exists in me...

I like x.. She is fun, nice, good to talk to... But on my way to that place, all I felt was worry about what I am, how I look... I forgot all the words and all the languages... All I could think of is how ugly I am... And not just looks, I was thinking of all the ugliness one could have... And as usual, I ended up hating myself, believing that I can't take me anymore, and I wanted so much to get rid of that "me" that I always hated...

I always feel insecure when x is around. I feel small, weird.... so WEIRD and intolerable...
I hate me... And I hate the insecurity in me... I hate that I don't like me and I hate that I never accepted it... I hate that I keep talking about perfection and I just hate this ugliness that I keep thinking about... I hate that I never felt like I am worthy or good... And I want to hide from this feeling fast...

I am clingy, jealous, and emotional

I hate women and I always hated being one.

I never appreciated or accepted anything about being a woman.

I tried so hard to avoid being jealous, emotional, irrational, over sensitive, clingy, and insecure...

But today, I realised I cannot avoid being all that, cause this is just my nature... Although I hate all those stupid qualities, I cannot simply change them. I always suppress them, but after a while they just all burst out of me and show the woman that I really am...

And although I never ever liked being a woman, I am starting to think that I should start accepting it because I still have a life to live with my insecure nature... I have to live with whatever I am...

Today, I was so jealous and insecure as usual... I couldn't help it... As usual I was burning deep inside. But I was good enough to hide it all as if I had nothing kept inside of me... I hope he didn't feel it in my tone of voice... And I hope I just forget and get over it... I was all emotional too and since I did not feel any emotions back, I decided to back off and put aside those emotions for sometime... I wish I could learn that too much emotions is boring and annoying...

I was also clingy in a stupid way. I felt so incomplete and insecure because I am away... And I decided not to feel that way because it is painful and one-sided... I decided to just let go...