Alone...
Alone again... Alone it is...
Messed up. Loaded. Depressed. No! Just alone.

Alone one more time. Alone in a freaky way.

What happened? And how did it all happen? Whats the point? Why all that mess??
Who cares??

Do I need to see someone for this?
Will it last longer? Does it end at some point?
Should I keep trying or just surrender.
Does it fade over time?

Happy? Sad? Good? Bad?
None of that.. Just Alone...

Can I keep him for a while longer?
He has my eyes and my complexion...
He has the best smile and the craziest baby laugh...
Can he sleep in my arms tonight? Can I watch him sleep all night?

Does he love me?
Am I a good mother??
will I ever stop feeling guilty?

He's breathing so calmly in my arms. He is safe. He can sleep now.
He is sound asleep. He is home. He is in my arms.
I never want to let go...

Every morning is a nightmare. I hate leaving him behind. I hate that he spends most of his awake time with some other woman. I want to change his diaper, I want to feed him and hear his cooing and booing... I hate being away... I hate it all...

He is sound asleep in my arms. He my baby. He has my eyes and my forehead... He is my life..

I have a boy :)
After nine months of not really grasping the concept of pregnancy, motherhood, marriage, house chores, I delivered a baby boy.

He is the WORLD. When he wakes up, I feel like my life has a meaning. Although waking all night and being in pain are not things I appreciate, I'm just thankful that God granted me with such a blessing. I tolerate all the pain only for him.

And while being in all this mess of delivery, I had a perfect husband by my side. Sharing every moment. I saw his smile when he say our baby. You'd know he'll make a great father when you see him hold the baby. I love the way he hugs me when I'm in pain and caresses Adam when he's crying.

And I just discovered that I am the most "clingy" person on this planet. I hate to feel distant from him. I don't want to stay here anymore. I wanna be with him, at home, and beside him in bed. I want the three of us in bed together in our cozy room, with no intruders, no one but us. I love his coziness. I feel safe while he's around and I love everything about him.

I love that I fold plastic bags the way he taught me to. I love that I learned to lower my voice while talking, be patient, eat all the food in my plate, and take his opinion in everything I do. I love that I am turning into him. I love that I'm his. I love him. He is the world. They are both my World. If I keep thanking God forever for such a blessing, it wouldn't be enough. I am thankful. El7amdolelah :D

Women!!
Although I'm a woman, I keep failing to understand how they think and function.

In my new job, I happen to be dealing with a number of 40 women at the same instant. Some might think "I'm in heaven" because I'm dealing with my same species so I will totally understand their needs and feel comfortable around them. But the thing is, it has never been heavenly.

I've been occupying this job for the past 9 months. And all I've learnt is that men are so much easier to deal with than women. With the 40 women, I get 40 different opinions on food, on the quality of the professor, on the A/C temperature, and even on the I move a lot when I'm pregnant. Some told me that walking while in my 7th month is healthy. Others told me it might cause early labor.

Women are simply so complicated to please. You never know what will please them. With men it's easy. Good food, great sex, a smile, and some nice movies on TV or maybe a football match can make his world heavenly. But with women, their demands are much more than anyone can bear. Of course not all women are like that. But the majority are that crazy.

This fact in itself makes us "women" suffer. We are so moody, we PMS, we get pregnant, we do the house chores, we have a job, we raise the kids, we spoil the husbands, and we deal with mothers-in-law. We are patient and sacrifice a lot. Yet, this is not an EXCUSE!! I suffer a big deal by dealing with women every single day. I work in a female dominant environment, which is somewhat depressing. I thought that have a woman boss and colleagues would make them understand that I'm PMSing so I should be avoided, or I'm pregnant and deserve some time off. But the truth is, they don't. My boss has two kids, and she is always wanting to deny my right to maternity leave. She freaked out when I got pregnant, although when she had her first and second child, she got to work as a part-timer while earning her same salary.

Women are not always understanding and accepting of their female colleagues. Jealousy is one major thing women cannot get rid of. Whenever a woman walks into a resturaunt, you'd find all women sitting there checking her out from head to toe. And one of them might even have the courage to criticize a woman that she doesnt even know.

Women also tend to talk a lot. They have a never ending energy to talk about anything to anyone. I admit I am a woman who likes to talk and let my feelings out as much as I can. I feel relief when I talk about my problems, when I cry, when I complain. It's boring and irritating, but can we "females" help it?!

Today, I felt sorry for my husband that he has to deal with me everyday. But I felt even worse for myself because I have to deal with 40 women every single day.

Three months to go...
And the baby is getting bigger everyday second inside me...
Sometimes I feel happy that I'm having a baby. I always wanted to be a mum.
Other times I feel scared that I'm actually going to have an operation and let a "human being" out of my belly...
I get scared of the pain, of the responsibility, and of the change in life style...
I love my life the way it is right now. I have been so much looking forward to it... And el7amdolelah it has been more than perfect for me...

Sometimes I feel that I'm blessed to be making a family that soon. Some people crave to have children. I also feel loved by him with all the moodiness and crying he tolerates. Other times I feel heavy, tired of the short breath and the ill temper.

Sometimes I feel fat and ugly. Other times I feel pregnant, so I have the right to look like a monster.

I'm glad that I will have someone soon to look after... I will witness his growing up and learning new things. I will have someone filling the empty room in the house... Someone to love endlessly without any limits...

I'm worried that I won't be a good enough mum. That I would not raise him well. That he would suffer in this terrible world.

I hope he turns out to be a good boy...

It has been a great week or two. No fights, no worries (El7amdolelah), no trouble.
I've never been loved or cared for like that in my life.
I see the love in his eyes, the touch of his hands, his voice whispering in my ears.
And I never loved anyone like I love him.

I woke up on my birthday to find him lying by my side in bed, wishing me happy birthday. And woke up the next morning finding him leaving me a message and a note that he loves me. And went back home from work finding a helium balloon in our room, standing there saying "Happy Birthday".

When he came home, I kept kissing him forever. I was over the moon. It meant a lot to me having such a perfect person in love with me and celebrating with me my first birthday being a wife.

All the tiredness fades away once I see him happy and smiling.

It filled me with inner happiness and satisfaction seeing him happy and pleased.

Making him happy is an aim in itself. Seeing a smile on his face that shows a combination of love, satisfaction and happiness is worth all the effort and pain. I was happy to hear him say those love/sex words he said in my ears. I was over the moon spending the rest of the day in his arms on the sofa, watching a movie. It was all I wanted to do for the rest of the day.

And when he aches even from the smallest thing, I feel sad and in pain. Its like he is part of me. He is actually my other half. And the more time passes, the more I appreciate how amazing life is with him. He makes my like meaningful and worth living. He makes me happy.

I hate the big belly, the swelling nose and the huge breasts.
I hate all the outfits that I wear.
I hate that I easily get tired.
I hate looking in the mirror. I hate it all.

I hate that every inch in this place is created of hate and dispute, not love.
I hate that I had to spend hours in a place where I'm hated and not wanted.
I hate that I'm living in comparison, that I'm being monitored, that I'm being disliked for no good enough reason.

I hate that I'm supposed to be rational, when I'm not in a physical or hormonal condition that would allow for that. I hate that I'm weak, tearful and patient. I hate that I'm unforgiving. I hate that I'm approaching a responsibility that I know I'm not up to.

I hate it.

This is not my place. Its not my room nor bed.
Its not my district and these are not my people.
I don't belong there...

I belong to some other place where I had no worries. I had no wars to fight and I had all the right to live and be what I want to be.

These are not the people I know and this is not the place I should be. This is not my kingdom like they told me it would be. This is not the life I was looking forward to and waiting for desperately. This is not the beginning and its not the end. Its a war and I'm not up to it.

I feel alienated and alone. I wanna go back home.
I want to go back to where I used to be, to where I used to drive and hangout. I want my world back. I want my peace back. I want the secure life I had. I want the love and care I used to live in. I want to feel safe again. I don't want to live in a state of warning for the rest of my life.

I'm certain of being left behind and I'm scared of it.

After a useless day at work, and after cooking and cleaning and organizing things back home, all I wanted was the BED!

Too tired to even sleep. But how can I resist his charm.
He left after a lil while and I found myself alone worried that he won't be coming back home tonight. I kept convincing myself that I will be home alone tonight and I'd better fall asleep reading than keep awake and scared of being alone.

I busied myself with absolutely everything that would make me fall asleep and it worked. Till I woke up at his face smiling back at me. And that was it :) The greatest moment of happiness realizing that tonight I am sleeping by his side; like every single night. He kept smiling and asking me to go back to sleep, but I simply couldn't resist his amazing smile. "Isn't he just the cutest and sexiest thing ever?!". I kept looking into his eyes and thanking God for granting me such an awesome partner. And I wanted so much to tell him all the cheesy romantic statements that we read in books. But I knew I would spoil the moment.

I wanted to tell him that I love him, that I'm glad he's the one I married. I can't wait to grow old with him. I can't wait to see my son and hoping he would be as adorable as his father :)
I wanted to tell him that I'm so glad he's home, in bed, by my side, smiling back at me. I wanted him to tell me that he loves me, even when I'm pregnant. But his smile said it all. And I just kept quite. I wanted so much to make love to him all night long, but couldn't. I just enjoyed his smile till I fell asleep.

Woke up a million times at night; as usual, and he just wakes up with me every time. He checks on me and makes sure I go back to sleep. Then, the time came for me to go to work and leave my angel in bed. He was so adorable sleeping there and I simply did not want to leave. I won't be seeing him all day today. Work, then mom, then visiting cousin who just had a baby, then hopefully back home. I'm already missing his smile. And I don't want to go anywhere; I just want to be with him.

Alienated

Deprived

No... Thats not the right term..

Hated! Undesired?

Not wanted. Thrown out.

Maybe just disliked and unwanted.

And I easily grasped the negative emotions and was filled with more feelings of hatred and rejection.

And whatever I do, it never works and I end up feeling the same way.

Actually, I'm so glad I can at least take revenge through my feelings.

They promised me that time will heal things. But all I see is that time increases the non-healing of things. With all this hardheartedness and unwelcoming attitude, plus the unjustified control over ones life, there will be no other feelings but hate.

I am unwanted. It is a fact I have to live with. And I am happily reciprocating the same feeling.

And here I am, sitting miserably wondering when will this shit ever end.