Three months of fighting over and over..
Fights over the same issue.
I hear the same exact words, the same tone of voice, the same shouting, the same issues over and over.
The problem is never ending. And I dont know how to solve it and I dont know what to do.

I'm not the nagging type. And I'm not the type who likes fights, shouting, or trouble.
I'm sick of his shouting.
I'm sick of his complaining and I'm sick of him making me feel like I'm so weak.

Three months of shit. He is always asking and waiting for something to happen. And everytime he asks me, I have nothing to say so we end up fighting and I end up crying.

I hate his loud voice.
I hate his harsh words.
I hate his attitude.
I hate his intolerance.
Im always scared of his voice and scared of his brutality.

But at the end of the day, he is my protector, he loves me and I know that every single brutal word he is uttering is true and is reasonable. I know I should listen and do what he asks me to do, but I dont want to. I know he's right and I know he wants whats good for me, but still I dont want to listen to him. I also hate his way. I wish he was a little bit calm. I wish he had a better way of explaining things to me other than his loud voice and harsh words.

I'm tired of this never ending fight.
I'm so tired. And I really want to hide. I wish I could hide.
I wish I could travel far away from everyone I know. I wish I could be alone for a while.

Resolution ONE Million and TWO Hundred Thousand

Back Off
Mind my own business
Cool down
Be diplomatic
Leave it up to them to decide on their part
Focus on myself
Lose so much weight
Exercise
Listen to my father more
Pray more
Spend more time with my friends
Work hard and again "mind my own business"
Accept all sides of myself
Love all and trust none
Read
and Finally, talk less

2009, here I come..

Fake it and Win the World

Fake a smile
Fake a laugh
Fake respect..
Fake love..
Fake friendship..
Fake it all.. Become a hypocrite.

I'm not one and I cant fake. But maybe I should learn it.
After all, its what makes you win it all.

Fake it all, win it all.

I was told that being "seyaseya" (political) is the best thing. You get to make everyone happy by just using some words. By praising them, even when you actually hate them, you win their respect and you get what you want.

But isnt it deception? To actually convince a person that you respect him/her and love him/her?

Thats the new rule, fake it to win it.

My Father and my Mother-in-Law

My father has been driving me crazy since the day he realised I'm getting married sometime soon. All I get from him is frowns, jealousy, curfew made earlier, more fights about my going out or talking over the phone, apartment issues, and damn it he hasnt been that silly in ages.

He didnt give me one nice word about my marriage. He is so negative and so pessimistic. He never said anything bad about my fiance and always says that he is good, but that doesnt mean he isnt jealous and that doesnt mean he shouldnt make me suffer. I cried a million times because of his annoying attitude and meaningless fights. He makes me feel like I'm not gonna be his daughter anymore when I get married.

Today he was so rude. Although I came home 10 minutes before my curfew, he still shouted and blamed me for going out with my fiance. He was like "you should see him only once a week at home and that is it, you are not married yet". I hear that everyday, and I simply ignore his jealousy, because otherwise, we'd be fighting everyday and I would be crying every night. I also say nice things about baby in front of my parents so that they love him and know how great he is. And it actually worked with them. But I cant prevent the jealousy.

Today, baby confessed that my mother-in-law is feeling the same. She believes I'm taking her son away from her. I know that she felt this way since the day of our engagement. I saw it in her eyes. And I know I'm not loved. And it is her right. Im coming to marry the guy of her life. The guy she gave birth to, the guy she raised, the guy who takes care of her, support her, look after her, the person filling her life. I'm basically asking her to give him to me. And since my father is jealous because his daughter is being taken from him, she is jealous as well because her son is being taken from her. And I totally respect those feelings of her, but unfortunately, I feel hated. I also feel trapped. I'm hanging there inbetween 2 jealous parents and I'm asked to tolerate both and find solutions to ease the worries of both. And they are not just any parents, they are two uneasy parents. Two hard to deal with parents.

I feel like I'm the bad girl, when deep inside I know I'm not. I totally believe that I respect her and insist on having her desires and wishes fulfilled. I always ask baby to see what she needs. I try to check on her often, I also try to make her know that I'm gonna make her son happy. I even asked baby to furnish a room for her in the apartment so that she can come sleep over whenever she feels like it. I always ask about her and I would never ever want to take her place. She is a great woman. I really respect her and look highly upon her. She raised two great kids all alone and that in itself is something heroic.

Besides my mother in law and father, there is my mother who feels like I took a share of hers in my life and gave it to baby. She always blames me for being away and going out alot, which makes me spend less time with her. She loves baby so much and is so happy for us, but is feeling lonely coz I'm rarely there. I'm always out, or in but thinking of my new life, the apartment, anything that is taking my mind off her. I do my best to be there and take care of her, but she also has to understand that Im finally starting to have a life. And not just any life, a great one isa.

I feel helpless, and trapped. I feel hated. And as I usually am when I'm faced with troubles, I need to hide from the entire planet.

Deserted Child

While reading a work related report concerning “feminized poverty”, a statement mentioned that “20-30% of all Egyptian households are headed by women”. Then, it defined Female Headed Households (and giving it the acronym of FHH), as “households in which a woman is both/either the primary economic contributor and supporter of the family and/or the primary legal and social representative of the family within the community”. And finally, it mentioned that female headed households result from women being widowed, divorced, or abandoned by their husbands; deserted wives.

Five minutes before reading that paragraph, I was listening to a colleague at work, who decided to confess to me his problems with his father. He was abandoned when he was 2 years old by his father, who divorced his mother and decided not even to help financially. His mother worked as a tailor, to be able to financially support her only child. She was 19 when she got the divorce and decided not to get married and dedicate her life to raising her child. He explained that his father is his mother’s relative, and accordingly, he gets to see his father because he lives near by. His father never spent a penny on him, and now that he is a grown-up, married, has 2 daughters and a job that pays relatively well, his father started communicating with his eldest son, mostly asking him for money. And although his father has a job that pays, and income that comes from rent, he still asks my colleague for money. And although my colleague never got money or fatherhood from his father, he believes that he should take care of his father out of “religion”. He told me that God asked us to take care of our parents, even if they are atheists and even if they were never good to us. He also told me a hadith, which means that a person and his money are for his father, meaning that a person should give up himself and his money for his father. And accordingly, my colleague visits his father and supports him as long as he is capable of doing so, when he never felt that he had a father.

It didn’t surprise me to hear his story. It turns out that his story is everyone’s story. I mean men now are turning into bastards, where they let go of their duties as fathers and financial supporters. And its not all about money, its about having a father figure out there who supports emotionally, who teaches you what is wrong and what is right, who makes you feel safe in times of trouble or danger. I mean a father is an important part of a child’s life. A father is a pillar to ones being. But it turns out some tend to just deny that role, or simply let go of it for so many reasons. Some hate the mother, so he gives her up and her children are considered part of her, so he gives them up as well. But why abandon your children when they are yours? They need your presence. They need their father.

And what if, after so many years of being abandoned by your father, he decides to appear? What if he decides to be a father? What if you actually find him, how should you deal with him? Should you accept him? Should you be there for him when he wasn’t ever there for you? Should you respect him? Should you check on him and be nice to him? Religion obliges us to be nice to our parents because it is our way to heaven.

And this abandoning of the child financially and emotionally puts the mothers in a huge hassle of having to be the mother and the father, of having to work and earn income to support the needs of the children, of having to be a working mother and a working father. Being a female head of household is in itself a social hassle. I look highly upon mothers who succeed in bring up good children. They have done all they can to make them become successful, healthy adults. And I despise every man who gave himself the right to abandon his kids and deprived himself and them of a father. And I despise him even more for making his “used to be” woman go through all that suffering alone.

But again, the question is, can I be good to my father who abandoned me and was never there for me? Should I? I don’t even know whether to use the word “should” or “could” when asking that question. Could I be a good daughter to a person who has never been a good father to me?

Its like a wound, a fracture.

It hurts, it can heal, but you have to let it heal.

You have to maintain all the situations that can make it heal.

Maybe it needs to be bandaged. Be protected from the air and bacteria.

It needs also to be protected from fierce or aggressive action.

You shouldnt use the fractured area often, or maybe at all for some time till it heals. Or else, it wont heal, and maybe leave a Big Scar. And a scar never heals. It stays forever. And if a scar develops, it can never be forgotten, never be eliminated.

It was a wound. It was willing to heal. It is still willing to heal, but everytime one steps on it, it hurts again. It hurts, but Im strong enough not to make any sounds or any reactions to the pain I get. But after a while, the hurting will be stronger, and then a scar would develop and the wound might never heal.

Im feeling something weird
Is it fear?
I guess this is it.

Is this a sign from God that I might in any moment lose it all? Or is it a sign that I should fight?Or is it just some silly thing that I should bear for the rest of my life?

I mean, why on earth does it pop up so often?
Im scared. Im terrified. And I dont want to always blame it on me.
I mean, why does it always have to be me who is doing something wrong? And why do I have to accept something like that in my life.

Its all so weird and inappropriate and killing me. Everytime it appears, I get broken and scared. And I work so hard on forgetting, but it pops up again and again and again.

Am I too obssessive? Too freaked out? so selfish?
I think Im a normal human being and any woman would have felt the same way I do right now.

Hope I dont do anything stupid.

Who said the world is pink?
Who said anything on this planet is perfect?

I was brought up knowing that being polite and behaved are good qualities that a person should have to be respected and live a good life. Unfortunately, every single day the world proves to me that this concept is wrong from its roots. Who said politeness is something you should respect nowadays?

People now are all liars, betrayers, deceivers, opportunists.
You dont find love or respect anymore. No emotions, no culture. People are not trustworthy and cant be made friends. It is all chaotic and annoying.

Whats even more painful is that you get stabbed by the closest people to your heart. And that is when you lose faith in the entire world. Even the close people usually hurt you and would most likely abuse you to reach a certain aim. Since weakness is a relative thing, everyone will have someone to abuse, or be evil with. And since we all have an evil person inside us, everyone becomes evil in the end. And here comes a world without any one "good" person. And the word good will vanish from the dictionary soon, or maybe its meaning will change.

I envy people who are selfish, who are unbehaved, who dont suffer the feeling of guilt. I envy people who knew that the world was that bad and are good at coping with it. I envy every unbehaved person, every liar, every opportunists. At least they can live in this world and expect the worst. At least they can get what they want and reach their goals.

Street Harassment is killing me
I kind of even got bored of writing and worrying about it.
The other day I was with my best friend riding her car and we were parking it, when all of a sudden another car stood right next to ours, and it had 2 guys inside. One of them opened his window and started telling my friend the harassing statements that we all hate to hear. I gave him a look, which was supposed to make him feel like he’s a nobody and that he is doing something inacceptable. But was that enough? I was full of rage I wanted to insult him or pop up with all the bad words I’ve learned in my life.

It was a one minute incident, but usually a cause of some anger mixed with feelings of weakness. I hate being a woman and being liable to such mess every single day. Why do they enjoy making us feel like sluts? Why cant they just keep quite and admire us silently? I believe that their pleasure comes from causing us such anger.

What is love?

The twinkle in his eyes.

The big smile he gives me.

The butterflies I get.

Is it the fact that he holds me everywhere?

Is it the handholding? The security and comfort I feel when he's around.

Maybe its when I really miss him and realise that he misses me back.

Maybe its when he takes my breath away.

Maybe its when I would do anything to make him happy and see him smiling.

Or could it be when I do my best to remove the sadness away from him.
Or maybe its when he gets me flowers to say that he's sorry.

Its also when we have long conversations about things that nobody knows but us.

And when we plan our everything together and make sacrifices to be with each other.

Or when we ride the car together silent, saying nothing, just enjoying being together.

Or when I dont care about any man, cause I have the best one of them all.

Its when I feel jealous of all the girls he might be talking to.

And when I do my best to look good for him so that he doesnt want any other girl.

Its when I realise he is my child, the father of my children, my friend, my love, my world.

Its when I cant wait for our life together to start.

Its when I know that no matter what happens, I will still want to be his.

What is love? Its a mixture of feelings you have towards someone, whom you decide is to be your life time partner. Its all of the above and more.

I wish I was a boy!

At least I wouldnt be discriminated against.
At least I wont have people starring at my chest or my behind.
At least I wouldnt have to shave my whole body.
At least I wouldnt be having parents resitricting me from travelling or pursuing my life the way I want it to be..

At least I would do whatever without being looked at by society as unbehaved, bitch, or bold.
At least I would be loved and appreciated by my female boss.
At least I would be loved and looked highly upon by the patriarchal society i'm living in.
At least I wouldnt be scared of rape or physical harrassment.
At least I woudnt have trouble with issues like virginity, honor, dignity, and all other cultural issues that have to do with women. If a man goes sleeping with all the women in the country he would be seen as "saye3 and experienced" and when he gets married, he is recognised as "rabena hadah" (he's blessed by God). And his past is usually all gone. But if a woman is known to be having sex, she is a whore and is not expected to get married. Although our religion treats adultry in the same way with the same punishment, our society favors men over women.

I wish I was a boy, at least I would understand what women want. I would respect their feelings, understand their mood swings, their emotionality, their insecurities and fear. I wish I was a boy, I would have taken care of my partner, hugged her whenever I could and always made her know how gorgeous she is.

I wish I was a boy, to be able to deal with the outter world filled with jerks, and opportunists. I wouldnt have been all fragile, naiive and sensitive. I wouldnt have been responsible for the kids, the house, the shopping, the groceries, the decisions, the husband.

At least, I wouldnt face all the shit that comes with menstruation and its hectic cycle.

I want to be a boy for crying out loud.

I was flying
Over the moon
I wasnt driving, I was flying...
Singing and dancing on my way home.
I was happy. Finally HAPPY.
I bought chocolate for all the house members.
I wanted to celebrate my happiness. I AM HAPPY.

Came home to find my mum and dad waiting for me to give me a lesson.
I wasnt late. My curfew is 10:30 and I came home at 9:30.
Dad started lecturing me that I shouldnt be seeing him till we get married.
He said that according to religion, I have to see him once a week at our house with everyone around. I shouldnt be going out with him that much or be alone with him.
He started breaking my heart and ruining every single feeling of happiness I had deep inside.
And although he used to see mum when they were engaged every single day, he assured me that I'm not allowed to do so because I have a pious father who doesnt want to disobey God and wants me to obey as well.

He told me that engagement is not for me to have fun, its for me to get ready for marriage. It doesnt mean going out, having fun, falling in love.

Then he started hurting me even more by telling me that I'm fragile, naiive, emotional and all "madloo2a" and he is doing all that to protect me from harm and he doesnt want to see me sad.

So here I am again, totally upset and enraged.
I feel like there is a big stone in my throat and I cant simply swallow it.
I feel helpless.

Positive attitude for a change

I'm always concerned with so many things that could ruin your mood or your whole day in general. Traffic jam, demanding boss, a sister messing up the room, etc. But I never considered focusing on the bright side of this world. I'm always angry at this life, when we all know for a fact we were created to be unhappy somehow.

So this morning I decided to look at the things that make me feel good or make life good. I decided to provide myself with positive energy and attitude for a change.

Let's start with the best thing in the world, which is seeing my baby. He is awesomely cute and seeing him smile is more than enough to make my day. His calling me every morning, his calling me before I go to bed, his telling me that he loves me, is all I could need to make my life great. I would do anything in this world to see him smile and I am so happy I have him there for me. He is the most important component of my world. I would have to say that sharing everything with him makes my life a happy one.

Chocolate is the best treat as well as ice-cream. I mean a world without chocolate and ice cream is like going to hell. It is a mood lifter, it is so sweet and so good tasting and so satisfying. I guess that’s why when I'm on a diet, I feel so depressed.

Having great parents that are always there for me is a blessing. I mean going home to find them safe and healthy, waiting for me to tell them how my day went and being there for me all the time is just enough to make this life just great.

Good friends are rare. And having even one good friend is more than enough to make you feel that the world is good. I'm not the kind of person who has a million good friends, but the good ones I have are more than enough to make my life good and livable.

Having a job and being able to pay my bills is another major factor of making this world a good one. I mean, the fact that you can eat, drink, wear clothes, sleep, be healthy, or even provide yourself with healthcare when needed should give one some positive attitude about ones life. Like Maslow's pyramid taught us, satisfying the needs are enough to make life a better one.

So one shouldn’t be angry all the time, because at least we can have the basics, which others are deprived of.

I'm thankful today.

Perfect!

What does it mean?
In my religion, we can only describe God as "perfect".
In that sense, it means no flaws. But can anything be perfect?
May be perfect for you as a person, but it doesnt mean that it can be perfect for everybody else.
And can anyone be described as perfect?

What about perfection? Perfectionism?
I mean, how do people who believe in perfection actually live on this planet?
I realised that in some cases, I can be a perfectionist.

If you believe in being perfect, then you really want yourself to be everything good.
You want to be thin, stylish, lovable, behaved, punctual, fun to be with, smart, knowledgeable, you name it.
But wouldnt it be really hectic to try to be everything including things that you're not?
Wouldnt it be sad that you sometimes can fail in the eyes of yourself when it are unable to be or do something? I mean its a killer to always try to be "perfect" cause no one can be perfect.

Maybe that is the reason why I'm always no feeling good about myself.
I always try hard not to be me. Maybe being me is just the best I can do.

I seem to be the jealous type. I cant really prevent being jealous, so what I always do it keep this jealousy to myself. And when I hide it, I usually torture myself. Then why the hell should I try to change something in me. I should be accepting of who I am. Why do I usually accept people the way they are and never accept me? And if I count the many other things that I really dont like about myself, or the things I want to change I would find out that if I do work on them, I will become someone else I'm not and maybe ruin my life one way or another. As long as the issues are not fatal, then why am I so worried and concerned in the first place!

Accepting onself is a great gift. Its a sign of being a healthy and happy person.
And I would really like to start accepting who I am.

Am I blind?!

Another weird state..
I would actually call it a weird situation.
I cant define the way I felt. But I have to admit I felt weird.
Not jealous, not sad. Maybe worried. I guess I was scared actually.
I was in a competition.
Actually, I cannot say I was in a competition because there was nothing to compete for. And even if there was a competition, the end results states that I won the competition already.

I felt like I'm being tested. But I really wasn't.
I felt weird. I felt like I was being monitored somehow. And in the same time, I felt like I'm trying to discover something. I'm trying to reveal something hidden. But is there really something hidden?

I just felt weird. Laughing and smiling and talking, but weird. I was weird and I was hoping it doesnt show in my eyes how weird I felt.
I felt out of place all of a sudden. I didnt feel home anymore.
I wasnt sad, but had some feelings of bitterness.
Actually, bitter is a very strong word. Lets just say that I was looking for some things to prove myself wrong.
I was worried all day. Dont know what to eat, what to wear, how to act, how to talk, I wanted to leave an impression, but in the same time I wanted to be cool and normal. I wanted to open my eyes to certain things, but apparently, I found nothing.

Maybe there is nothing to be found. And maybe there is something, but I'm not smart enough to find it.

Maybe I'm just being worrisome and pessimistic. And maybe I'm going blind again.

I hate the way I look.
I'm a pig walking on two legs.
I eat like a pig, I look like a pig, and probably sooner or later I will be acting like one.

What is wrong with me?
I dont have the will to go on a diet anymore.
I'm all into chocolate and sweets.
I hate eating salad and fruits and brown bread.
I hate eating tuna, vegetables, and grilled stuff..
I want to eat pasta and chocolate. The best treats in the world.

But I hate the way I look.
I hate the belly and the big boobs.. I hate their getting all large just because I gained 2 kilos of weight.
I have to get rid of them before it gets even worse.
I need to end this pig state of being and turn into a normal person again..

Please, could somebody tell me where did my "Will" go??

His eyes.. They take my breathe away!!

He gave me the look..

Not just did I fall, I felt some weakness in my knees, butterflies in my stomach, faster heartbeats.. I couldnt resist that look. His eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world.

I was so close to him. He was sitting and I was standing by his side. He was holding me with one arm and my arm was around his shoulder. I was looking down into his eyes, and he was giving me this very intimate smile. He was so irresistible. He was so adorable, so loving, and so damn cute...

His eyes... Oh My GOD!! I can't resist them. His look makes me fall for him.. They are so deep. When he looks into my eyes, it's as if he's hugging me, I dive in their beauty, I fall in their warmth. His eyes.. His eyes says so many things. It says "I love you", it says "I miss you", it says "I'm so sexy", it says "I want to make you happy", it says the cutest things and the most seducing things...

Oh God baby you drive me nuts.

You make me love you more everyday.. You make me respect you more, cherish you more, and stick to you even more..

Baby, I love you.

And I'm the happiest person because I'm yours.

Yours,

Baby :D

Dad.. The father-in-law

Jealousy has always been my source of trouble.

My dad is jealous. And with that comes hard time, problems, worries, basically trouble.

Supposedly, we're in the marriage preparation phase. My father happens to be an interior designer with great taste. But the thing is, he doesnt want to help me out. He doesnt want to do it. He doesnt want me to get married (he wants me to get married of course, but deep inside, he doesnt want me to leave, doesnt want me to belong to someone else). With those feelings at the back of his head, you can imagine the rest.

He only wants me to see my fiance' twice a week. He doesnt want me to go furniture shopping with him or plan the apartment with him. He doesnt want me to talk to him over the phone. He doesnt want me to say that I love him. He doesnt say these things out loud, but I can see them in his continuous illogical reactions.

The other day, baby and I found the style we want and finally agreed on certain parts of our apartment. I thought Dad would be so helpful in actually doing everything for us at a cheaper price (since he has a furniture factory). And to my surprise, he was like "I dont want to get into trouble with anyone, just buy the things you want ready made and dont put me in this hassal". I was shocked. He was all weird again. He actually furnished all the houses of all my family members. And he is my father, my personal interior designer, my personal advisor, and he doesnt want to get into a hassal for me. That was actually a lil frustrating. What teases me even more is that he appears to be really nice to baby and his mum. He is always cooperative and willing to help with anything. But with me, he gives me the attitude.

I love him so much and I totally understand his jealousy feelings. But I simply need to have someone to help me out with the apartment. I need to finish it in time and get married. Wish Dad would really think and not act based on some emotions.

I'm totally frustrated from his attitude. I have to admit, I'm upset with him.

Tahrir square in the morning, and ahly celebrations at night..

Two days of working out of office. But this time, I have to park away from the place where I should be and walk through the famour Tahrir square for 10 minutes.

I've been in this place for more than 9 years now. My university is there and myoffice is there too. I've been through the streets, the underground, the fast food stores, the cafe's, the parking areas, the bus stops.. But since I bought the new car, I haven't been walking, especially downtown Cairo.

I found it depressing that nothing has changed.
The streets are the same, no rules followed, traffic jam, no right for pedestrians to cross the streets, you have to run through every single car to find your way to the other pavement across the street. You walk through people who are not well dressed, smelly, frowning, and unbehaved; actually yesterday, on my way back to the car, a guy riding a car actually called me "ya bashmohandessa" (engineer) and blew me a kiss.. Another gave me the lusty look. I get street harrassed when I'm actually veiled and the only things that show from me are my hands and face. Moreover, I usually never put make-up on, or walk slow. I walk like soldiers, wearing my "soldiers boots". Why on earth would anyone harass me when I'm not the "jiggly" Egyptian type?

I decided to walk down through the underground channels to avoid crossing the streets. However, I got shocked by the smell had to to breathe for the coming 7 minutes. Do people actually bathe? Do they have soap and shampoo? What is it that they're lacking? Is it deodorant? Has it become a luxury to own a deodorant stick? I know that the majority of the Egyptian population are poor. And I'm not being all classy and bourgeoisie, but I do ask people to bathe because cleanliness is important for health and for the health of others.

Yesterday, our Egyptian football "Ahly" team won the game with Cameroon and is going to Japan. All Egypt was celebrating the victory right after the match. They all wore red and they all had their car horns on the same beat. All shouting, singing, shooting fire from their mouths, blocking streets and preventing cars from crossing, and scaring the hell out of me. I'm glad we won, I'm also glad Egyptians are happy, because this is actually the only thing that makes Egyptians happy; winning football games. However, I always question their right of celebrating in the uncivilized way they usually do. I couldnt move in the crowded street of "Abas El Akkad" so I had to stay put, till the wild celebrations were over. People have gone official nuts. But I cant blame them. They have nothing else to make them happy. Everything in their world is a cause of worries.

I wonder who is to be blamed for whatever problem the people of this country are facing. The government is basically working to maintain itself and its president. How can a government work on making it better for the people, when its concern is not the people? Do ministers actually walk in these streets, take the underground? Cross the streets? Did our president move on those streets since he became president?

I'm a government employee. And for a second I thought, "I DID IT", I'm going to do something that would make this country better. I'm working on reforming the national budget process, making it account for the different needs of men and women. I thought that this would reallocate existing "scarce" resources and maybe satisfy the different needs of women and men, boys and girls. But will this project succeed in doing so? Will I ever be able to ever have even a little impact on this country and make a change? I doubt.

And as usual, at the end of all the worries, I get a call from my baby, and I forget about all what is in the outter world, and enter into my world with him. My happy world with him.

Break the silence.. Or hide from it

Moments of silence.
Sometimes they are ok and you can actually deal with them.
Other times they are intolerable, and you either want to break them or hide from them.
This time, I want to just hide from them. I have no idea why are they existing at that time..
Is there any reason behind their being? I mean is there something wrong? What did I do to make it exist in the first place.

Breaking it is even worse. You work hard to find something to say. And whatever you so is so redundant and repetitive. You keep searching for something. You keep trying to fight it.

It is kind of annoying.. Actually I would call it scary..
Sometimes it just being together and in silence, and it doesnt scare me at all.
Other times it becomes so scary. And today it was scary. I has been days with this silence existing. And I'm scared that there would be something behind its existence.

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive.
But also I might be so boring, which is the reason behind the silence.
I guess I will never know. All I know is that I will hide from the silence.

Going nuts again!

I had a busy head on my way to work.

Couldnt unplug my head and stay in a state of nothingness like I aspired to.

Traffic was ridiculous as usual. "Salah Salem" was blocked like every single morning. It takes me an hour to go to work because of the jam I drive in every single morning. I'm tired of it already. I want to move out of this place. I want to move out of the whole country. I want to go somewhere nice. Somewhere more organized and disciplined. Why is it all so sofisticated and crowded?

I wake up every morning with a certain mood. Not a bad mood, nor a sad mood... I would rather call it a depressed mode of thought. I just wake up, wear anything without even looking at myself in the mirror. I dont wear accessories anymore. I dont wear makeup. I simply dont want to go there. I go to work, with a quite mode. Always having my face in the screen and not communicating with anyone. Just me, the music, the work, and that is basically it.

I stay in that mode even when i'm driving back home. I start smiling a litte bit as soon as I see my parents, specifically my father. I usually miss him more than any other member of the family. I like sleeping beside him in bed and telling him how my day went. I like it when he listens carefully and give me advice. I even like it when he reminds me of how stupid and naiive I can sometimes be. He is my protector, he is my father, my male figure. Although he is not the cozy, loving kind, he is the protecting and supportive kind. He is so experienced in every single situation in life. He knows all kinds of people, he tells me how to deal with every single one of them. I wish I can be like him one day.

My best friend is so far away. She is having a hard time alone. She is tired of being alone and tired of always being stuck with bad people. She is unhappy and unhealthy. I wish I could do something to her. I wish I could be there for her. I thought I was going to Qatar to attend a conference there this month, but unfortunately, it was cancelled, so I'm not seeing her. I wonder how is she doing??

I miss my baby. I didnt see him. I was supposed to have lunch with him today, but now that I have to attend this event at 7:30pm, I will not be able to see him. He is sick. He has a soar throat and a cold. He isnt feeling well. And I was wondering, do I make him happy? Do I satisfy his needs? Is he happy with me? I have no clue.

Im on a diet. My tumy has been a disaster lately. Im all swollen. I have to stop eating sweets. I have to stop eating everything. Ive been on this diet for almost a week, and its getting on my nerves. Why cant I be thin while eating everything I want to eat. I hate salad, I hate fruits, I hate grilled stuff. I'm all tired of it. I want CHOCOLATE.

I dont like myself. Ive been into a couple of tests lately, and I believe that I failed in them. I'm not smart enough. I'm not wise enough. I'm not good enough.

I'm going nuts.

Here we go again!

For some reason, I turned from a really weak person to a revolutionary one. Two days ago, I left work with tears in my eyes that I couldn’t hold and as soon as I saw my baby I started crying. I was so sad and humiliated. My boss was so rude to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. She has always been like that, but with me, I keep tolerating till I reach a peak where I can’t take it anymore.

So I cried. Baby was there listening to my crying and my complaints. He couldn’t help but hold me and tell me not to cry. Eventually I was quite and told him that I decided not to go to work for one day. I will just "not go". I wasn’t punishing my boss. I was just turning into a new person; someone who is not polite anymore. I decided to be an uneasy person. I shouldn’t be that kind and surrender to her insults and bad treatment like I always do. At least I should revolt in the least ways. And my way was not to go to work and hide from her. I sent her a message and an email blaming her for what she is always doing to me. But as usual, she didn’t feel anything and all she did was blame me for not going to work and being irresponsible. So I decided to accept her description of me as irresponsible. I decided to become the total opposite of what I am now. I shouldn’t finish my work on time. I shouldn’t go to work early or finish my assignments before their due date. I shouldn’t love her or care for her. I shouldn’t help her out or be wherever she wants me to be. I shouldn’t be nice and kind. I shouldn’t be all selfless. I shouldn’t love my job after all. I should be the total opposite of that. And I really hope she likes the new me.

In Love!

Did I ever mention the fact that I'm in love?
I am in love.
In love with him.. My baby, my fiance', my love, my hubby, my world, my dream, my reality, my all...

Did I ever mention that he is everything that I ever dreamed of having?
He is charmingly adorable.. He is gorgeously sexy... He is the love and security... He is the present and the future.. He is my baby... The one I'm always proud of having.. The one I want to hold forever... He is "The" one.. The only one...

Did I ever mention that when I look into his eyes, I forget everything, I feel safe, I feel secure?
Did I ever mention that when I'm in his arms I feel like I'm home?
Did I ever mention that his smile means the world to me? Did I ever mention that his happiness is my only aim? Did I ever mention that he takes me breath away? He actually does take it away...

Baby... I love you angel.. I love you so much sweetheart.. And I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you, share this life with you and be with you till my time comes...

Baby angel, I adore everything about you and I simply cant live without you..
Baby, you're the gift that God granted me..
Baby... I Love You :D

Happily Ever After?!

Is there something in the world defined as "happily ever after"?

Or is it just like all American and Egyptian movies that have to have a "happy" ending?

I mean does love exist? And does it exist in that form of "happily ever after"?

I always thought my parents were an ideal couple in the sense that they married for love and are still married and respect each other and all. But if you see them now after 27 years of marriage, they are not a happily ever after. I admit there is still respect, devotion, and commitment, but they barely talk to each other or love each other anymore. It is just that they got used to the existence of each other together. Is that what they call "happily every after"? Is that the love we read in books and see in movies? Is that what I've been wanting for all my life and looking for?

In economics, we got to learn that all theories we memorize so hard in school are just built on assumptions. They show you extreme scenarios that never exist so that you can understand what actually exists. Like in macroeconomics, we get to learn the types of markets; perfect competition, where suppliers all sell at the same price and all share in the profits of the market and all are happy. The extreme of that is monopoly, where one person controls the market of a certain comodity and raises its price on the consumer. And what we get to know is that perfect competition never exists in our world, its the dream we want to have for a perfect economy to exist, but its never there. But we also get to learn that monopoly exists and our world is an imperfect market, with imperfect development status, and imperfect policies and imperfect income distribution. Everything is "Imperfect".

So if imperfection is the "thing" going on in the material world, why would the love be so perfect and the marriage be so perfect and refered to as "happily ever after"? I doubt that this phrase has any truth in it.

If we consider marriage, dating, relationships, whatever you wanna name it, its just like the curve of a good being initiated in the market. It has a growth phase, maturity phase and a decline phase. And I guess from my little and negligent experience, this is what relationships is all about. And whatever they say in books, movies, therapies, is bullshit.

Life itself is like that. You are never fully happy and you are never fully sad and you are never fully satisfied. And usually your happy days are few and your sadness days are a lot and irritating. Relationships are like that too. You get to cope with a new person with new habits and new way of living and you end up clashing a lot. But the fact that you can actually live up those clashes and tolerate the shit that comes out every while and be happy with that person and also be miserable with that same person, then you succeeded in making a relationship work. BUT! that is not what should be called a "happily ever after". This is just survival in a world that has no meaning to me at all but to make a person suffer.

Anyway, so when you finally get the chance to pick a person to survive the world with, dont ever believe in the "happily ever after" theory, because it is just the best case scenario; what everyone hopes for; but doesnt really exist, because our world is an imperfect competitive market.

Its the first day of Eid and instead of enjoying myself, I'm lying here with my laptop, sleepless, bored and unhappy. Happy Eid everyone.

Om El Donia is burning down...

Here we go again..
Another disaster!

Parliament is burning down... 9 hours of burning and our fire squad is not "trained" to turn off fires... They have ladders that were not opened... They used hoes to deal with the fire... And the helicopters of the Egyptian Military were throwing water on the streets around parliament and not on the fire location... And to my surprise, people watching the fire where smiling and waving at the camera that was supposedly taking shots of the fire... PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY WAVING AT THE CAMERA, and our Shoura Council was being burned....

And of course, "el masader el amneya" declared that it is an "electrical circuit failture" that did the fire... And burned piece of architecture, the voice of the people, the rights and duties of the government towards the public, the building that has been there since the 20's... The electrical problem basically killed our voices... And people are waving at the camera with a smile, so as to appear on TV smiling...

And guess what! Cairo has about 20 fire "trucks" only or something of that sort. And it had to borrow from neighbouring governorates. Moreover, for those trucks to ride through the never ended traffic jam of downtown Cairo, reaching the building would take them forever. And with those untrained firemen to fail to let out the fire is an even more depressing piece of news. I watched the building burn on TV, not that I have some personal memories in that building or agree with any of the decisions that come out of it, but the fact that my country is a failure at stopping fires adds to my frustration and feelings of insecurity.

It reminds of the song "london bridge is falling down"... Om el Donia is burning down.. burning down.. burning down..." my fair lady

It was like a heavy load on my chest..
I kept it for so long waiting for him to ask me or to even change his mind...
We all do wrong in our lives, but some wrongs are relatively huge that they have an impact...
I have some... A couple of mistakes or maybe issues that I hate but I had to reveal them one day..

To my surprise, he had his issues too...

He held my hand, looking down in shyness and asked me about my issues...
I was relieved when he finally asked me... Although I was so afraid he would leave me after this honesty chat.. And to my surprise he knew everything and didnt mind any of it... Then he asked me if he could reveal his issues as well...

And here we were, together, each having some issues to worry so much about, and finally relieved that we dont have to worry about these things anymore... We were even, we were in love, we were together, so no worries about the past....

What surprised me even more is that I realised that what Ive been keeping is not a big deal... I made it a big deal for myself when it is not worth the fuss or the trouble I was putting myself into... And I felt he had my same concerns...

Went home realising how much I was in love with him.. Not just him, everything about him made me love him... I love him and I dont mind anything as long as we're together and he's mine...

Five days...
I was terrified... I was like "are u sure I can be happy or this is just another trick?"
And for a second I thought that I'm finally gonna be happy... When it turns out I shouldnt... And all the happiness I've been trying to absorb and dream about for 5 days ended in one second... For some reason I was thinking "this could not be happening... this is just some illusion.."
And hell yeah I was right... It was a big illusion... Another big lie... Another short lived dream...

I think there is some negative correlation or negative shit between me and "love"... Whenever I fall, I have to get broken... Is there something wrong with me? Or is "love" the wrong thing?

He told me on tuesday that he loves me, and on saturday of the same week he told me that he cant do it anymore... He cant afford to get married... And so he decided to go... Why the hell did he confess then? I guess to add to the broken pieces of my heart...

Hehehehe... Its so funny that when I finally felt secure and realised that I found the one, he turns me down and shows me how stupid I was and fell for the same illusions I used to fall for before... I am such an asshole... A stupid naiive bitch...

I always fall for it... And break my heart... Is it me? or is it Men? or is it Love itself???


Am I good enough? for love???

Resolution # 101: No Men

I was about to kill myself one more time, when all of a sudden I woke up and realised "this dilemma I'm living in is all because of Men"... So why have them when all they cause is trouble and heartaches?!!

No matter what they are or how they are like... They are a cause of trouble, at least for me...
So the solution and the new resolution is "get men out of my life"...

Realistic ones are Jerks...
Romantic ones are poor and unrealistc...
The one you love doesnt even care and sometimes would not even know you exist...
The one that loves you is not the right one... And although you fall and enjoy the love, still there is a major defaux that would make u let it all go...
The tall one is too tall for me and the short one is too short for me...
The mannered one is to behaved that he makes me feel like I'm a bitch and the bastard is too bad for me...

So, concluding this mess, I decided to let them all go.. All of them...
Men, you are a pain in the ass...

Revolution here I come...

I finally understood your meaning... I finally realised what it means to revolt, to object, to disagree, to have your own desires, needs, wants and go for them... I finally understood what it means to take, as opposed to give endlessly and expect no return...

I am not the perfect child anymore, who says "7ader" and obeys blindly without thinking... I am not the successful, the calm, the quite, the behaved and mannered kid... I am not the one without a personality, without any wishes except for that of her parents... I am not dependent and I am not weak... I am not selfless and I am not giving... I am not motherly and I am not romantic... I am not all that anymore... I am someone new... Someone totally different from the one I used to live with...

I dont want to do the groceries... I dont want to have a curfew... I dont want to help at home... I dont want to listen or understand...

I want to go shopping, come home whenever I want and do whatever makes me happy... I never want to go home.. actually I want to move out... I want to be alone and independent for good... I am flying away... I was scared that I would not return to the person I used to be.. But NOW, I hope I dont return to the old me... Ever Again!

Women, You Rock!

I never understood the beauty of being a woman/female till this minute...

After 25 years of hating my gender, I realised all of a sudden that after all, being a woman is an amazing thing...

Being a resident of a patriarcal society built in me all those stereotypical attitudes towards women... Although Im the eldest of 4, my younger brother always had more freedom and more opportunities than I ever did... And thats what I always believed and thought about... Whether is was going out whenever he wanted to, not getting veiled, speaking in whatever tone he wanted without being called either vulgar or sexy, travelling alone, having a girlfriend... And the list can continue forever... Moreover, a girl is always seen as weak, vulnerable, especially when living in a country where street harrassment is one of the main practices of men... Moreover, women shave; basically everywhere and it has to be on a regular basis, PMS, menstruation and its unbearable pain, eye brows, nail polish, and the list can go one forever...

So I simply hated being a woman... I felt that there is no way I could feel the word "Freedom" ever because I will always be under the power of a man... Not just that, but I realised that I cannot even approach a man I like or confess my emotions, coz then, he would call me a whore...

However, this past month I realised how great it is to be a woman... Its amazing actually that God created all this beauty in a human being... When it comes to shaving, I wasnt asked by anyone to shave, I was the one who took the decision at the age of 10 that I want to shave... I wanted to look all feminine and silky... I desired that look and I look forward to that day of the month when Im finally shaved... Same goes with my eyesbrows; I look everyday in the mirror to make sure that they look as perfect as possible... I like putting on oil and cream to feel gorgeous and baby like... I dont have a boyfriend who asks me to do so, nor does anyone see my body or touch it... Its just me... And although I wear the veil, I still insist on doing these things coz it makes me feel confident and gorgeous... Make up is another important factor that makes me enjoy myself, doing my hair, buying new clothes, perfume, everything about us, although filled with complications, but still make us beautiful... Besides, the best feeling in the world is to realise how weak men can get when seeing a woman so elegant, sexy, confident, and beautiful (and let me clarify that beauty is relative)... It is an amazing feeling to realise that you are admired by a man and you are powerful enough to turn him on, or make him love you, or become his "the one"...

Moving on from looks to emotions, women are so emotional, giving, tolerant, motherly, and compassionate... They are filled with emotions that they would love to give to their partner... We crave for settlement and security... We adore the moment when we become the embrace of our man... Its an amazing feeling to know that you are the only one he turns to, talks to, throws himself into; its just... WOW..

We are mothers by nature... It is an amazing feeling to find a creature moving inside your belly... An even more amazing feeling to see him coming out of your belly... Its painful to wake up all night, its tough to raise a kid, its horrible to experience his teenage years, but after all that is over, you look at your child and realise that you brought up a Man/Woman, leading a life, and that person is part of you and you love him/her more than anything in this world... You give without expecting a return and you love them truely from the heart...

Being a girl, a woman, a wife, a mother is awesome... Is the best thing on this planet...

Being the crying shoulder, the care taker, the loved wife, the daughter, the working woman, the girl friend, is all a blessing and I am finally so happy and proud of being a woman

Bye bye miserable 2007...

I never celebrated New Years... Only once, I had a sleep-over at one of my friend's, but they all slept and I spent the night alone watching rented movies. But still, I considered it a celebration back then... Yesterday I decided to celebrate. I downloaded the old songs that I used to listen to 12 to 13 years ago, and recalled those past years. The day I wore the veil, my classroom back in middle school, the clothes I used to wear, my problems as a teenager, highschool, college, the masters degree, my love stories, the first time I drove... I'm growing old... Four months from now I will be 26... Twenty Six years have passed... Should I be glad that they are over? Or should I be sad? Where they "the days"? Some of them were...

Anyway, 2008 here I come...

2008 Resolution:

• Lose 5 Kilos; will be almost Shakira's size.
• Have a new look: hair cut, clothing, and makeup - Because looking good is more important than feeling good ;)
• Read more books.
• Change career or excell more in the existing one.
• Learn something new; a language, PhD, any certificate, drawing, even cooking would do.
• Buy something Gold.
• Pray Fagr everyday.
• Spend Ramadan on worship.
• Be Happy whatever it takes. Happiness is not granted to us, it is something we strive to achieve.
• No excessive love and emotions. Use mind and reason.
• Buy a new bikini.

Happy New Year