Marriage!
A new term that I am getting to know and acknowledge its different components.

Sex!!!
Another new important term that I am starting to like. It is accompanied by marriage and depends basically on the willingness to like and appreciate the physical attachment and effort exerted.

Partnership
Is the fact that "I" is turned into "We" or "Us". We become one, always together, decisions are made by the both of us, and its fun to have someone by your side sharing everything.

Jealousy
Describes the inner fear and complexity within a wife's heart. It is endless and it drives her crazy.

House work
The main source of trouble for a wife and the whole marriage. If the food isn't made or the clothes are not clean, problems come in.

His girl friends
As long as they have limits, life goes on smoothly.

Her guy friends
They have even more limits than his girl friends.

Events: Birthdays, Valentines, New Years, etc.
Are just special days to reconnect, express love, and practice wild sex. These are the best thing about marriage.

Parents
They become different. Still wanting to interfere like they used to before marriage, but the thing is, they shouldn't anymore. But they do forever.

I could not help it.
I just left. Couldn't hear the complaints that are never ending.
Couldn't take the bad attitude, the lack of trust, the fights, the worries and confusion.
I cried my eyes out as I always do. And felt like everything is suddenly falling apart for no good reason.

His not calling me was like a nightmare. I feel so alone, so left out, so incomplete, and so insecure.
She fighting over everything and interfering all the time scares me and fills me with anger and resentment. I feel injustice all the time, unappreciated, and in a continuous state of fear.
And although its the time to be peaceful and happy, I am always crying, sad, angry and worried. I wonder how will it be like later, when the new life begins. Will the interference increase? Will I be deprived of the right to privacy, freedom of choice and actions? How will it work out? Will I be deprived of him most of the time like I am now? How will I avoid conversations? How will I avoid the new relationship all together? Who should I be??!

I fear what's about to come

"La La" land rules

Since I realised that the more time runs and the due date approaches, the more I get worried, scared, tense, and touchy. So here's the deal. I set some rules for myself to follow for the coming three weeks to avoid anger, disappointment, tension, worry and fights.

Rule #1: Think of things I'm excited about, e.g. the dress, the honeymoon, the new home, the new clothes, the fact that I'm going to be a bride.

Rule #2: Do not listen to any comments, feelings or worries from both parents or in-laws, especially in-laws. I want to feel all forms of neutrality towards them; neither negative nor positive feelings.

Rule #3: Give myself the space to cry, as much as I want to, before the wedding night.

Rule #4: RELAX because everything will be just fine.

Finally, I'm getting married, so I should be happy, excited and in love. Hence, I shouldn't be worrying about anything in the world.

The embrace

Even though I was crying, blowing my nose, sweaty, depressed and unshaved, he still said he loves me...
I'm not intending to be all of the above ugly things. I am just clarifying that, although I was in the worst of situations, he still took me in his arms, and eased the worries away.

I kept crying for two days (the drama queen within me was OUT THERE!)...
And of course, I shared it all with him. I was afraid he would freak out or stop loving me after seeing me like this. But, he just took me in his arms... The strongest and best embrace a woman would ever dream of having from the man she loves... And it was all I needed; to be alone, with him, in his arms and crying. I wanted him to end those endless worries I had in my head. I wanted it to wash the trouble away. I didn't ask him for it, but he did. He just did.

I wanted to stay there forever, in his arms, closing my eyes and thinking of nothing but his warm embrace. I love him. All of him. Nobody else but him..

I kept thinking of how to please them.
I felt trapped trying to avoid upsetting them.
It was a struggle between two men that I'm in love with.
The person that brought me up into the person I am, and the person I am about to live with for the coming life. And I was unable to figure out which one to please.

And all of a sudden I decided to be selfish enough to just do what "I" want to do. Why do I have to resort in the end to pleasing someone over myself. Why do I always favor the happiness of others over mine? I admit I love making them both happy and I hope I'm good at it. But I can sometimes work on making myself happy for a change.

They both have been the best at making me happy. but still, I felt like in this particular situation, I wanna do what I want to do, rather than anything else.

I am sorry

Six weeks and three days..

I am getting married in Six weeks and Three days...

And why I am going through this process?

To be able to see him every morning and night. To work on making him happy and satisfied. To experience ultimate pleasure. To create a family. To have a new home. To be able to cuddle up, hold hands, sit by him in the movies under his arms, and kiss him whenever I want to. To eat with him, have fun with him, cry with him, share his every inch of life, and have kids with him...

I am getting married because it is the dream of every girl to find a person to spend the coming life with. I am getting married because I love him more than anything in the world. I'm getting married because I just want to experience everything that I've been longing for with him. I'm getting married because he makes me laugh, wipes out my tears, listen to my continuous nonesense, takes me to the movies and gets me ice-cream :)

I'm getting married in Six weeks and Three days. I'm going to wear the white dress and dance for the first time in my life with the person I love. I am going to wear my first diamond ring, I am going to have a new home and belong to a great person. I love being his and belonging to him. I am scared, but I know that he will make it all perfect just the way he is.

Let me explain a little bit of what I have deep inside for you...

I love you. Actually, this phrase does not really explain what I have for you.
I am IN LOVE with you...
It means that I'd rather be in pain than see a frown on your face...
It explains why I hide some of my worries from you just to see you smiling...
I am sorry that I have my insecurities... I appologise for being a woman... I am sorry for being jealous... Its a natural feeling any woman feels... So Its natural for me to fear her, to fear your leaving me and to compare myself to her... I asked myself whether I should confess my feelings to you and turn into a selfish partner, or hide my worries and act as a rational one... I'd hate to feel that one day I deprived you of a friend or pressured you into doing something that you don't want to do... So, the decision was simple, become friends with her, in the hope that one day things would change, and WE would stay friends, partners and family forever...

All I want is to make you happy... It is my main source of joy and satisfaction...
So please, let me make you happy...
I love you

Insecure

Hiding somehow...
Burried in this computer screen... Praying, reading, working, chatting... Anything other than thinking... Avoiding myself... Avoiding confrontation and disappointment...

And maybe I'm just PMSing and filled with pessimism and negativity as usual for no real reason... Maybe I'm just being all childish... Maybe I am just feeling insecure!

That's it, I am insecure...
I am filled with insecurities in many parts of my life and I'm hiding from all those fears, avoiding the thoughts to avoid the depression that accompanies the thinking...

Fear
Change
Insecurities
Jealousy
Burden
Distance
Moody
Lack of appreciation
.... And I will just hide from all that!

As soon as I knew that we're meeting "x", my esteem went below zero...
Whenever the name pops up, I start picking every single thing that I hate about myself, and I end up thinking of how ugly, silly, dramatic, boring and worthless I am...
I simply lose all confidence; if any exists in me...

I like x.. She is fun, nice, good to talk to... But on my way to that place, all I felt was worry about what I am, how I look... I forgot all the words and all the languages... All I could think of is how ugly I am... And not just looks, I was thinking of all the ugliness one could have... And as usual, I ended up hating myself, believing that I can't take me anymore, and I wanted so much to get rid of that "me" that I always hated...

I always feel insecure when x is around. I feel small, weird.... so WEIRD and intolerable...
I hate me... And I hate the insecurity in me... I hate that I don't like me and I hate that I never accepted it... I hate that I keep talking about perfection and I just hate this ugliness that I keep thinking about... I hate that I never felt like I am worthy or good... And I want to hide from this feeling fast...

I am clingy, jealous, and emotional

I hate women and I always hated being one.

I never appreciated or accepted anything about being a woman.

I tried so hard to avoid being jealous, emotional, irrational, over sensitive, clingy, and insecure...

But today, I realised I cannot avoid being all that, cause this is just my nature... Although I hate all those stupid qualities, I cannot simply change them. I always suppress them, but after a while they just all burst out of me and show the woman that I really am...

And although I never ever liked being a woman, I am starting to think that I should start accepting it because I still have a life to live with my insecure nature... I have to live with whatever I am...

Today, I was so jealous and insecure as usual... I couldn't help it... As usual I was burning deep inside. But I was good enough to hide it all as if I had nothing kept inside of me... I hope he didn't feel it in my tone of voice... And I hope I just forget and get over it... I was all emotional too and since I did not feel any emotions back, I decided to back off and put aside those emotions for sometime... I wish I could learn that too much emotions is boring and annoying...

I was also clingy in a stupid way. I felt so incomplete and insecure because I am away... And I decided not to feel that way because it is painful and one-sided... I decided to just let go...

And whatever I say will not explain the extent of happiness I am experiencing from being overly exposed to his 'pure awesomeness'...
And no matter what, I never have enough of this 'awesomeness' of his...
I am blessed, I am in heaven, I am lucky... And I am so in love with him...

I love it all... His smile drives me nutts, and his frown makes me wanna kill anything making him sad... His tickling me and making me laugh like crazy is just the best game... His aggressiveness and his tenderness... His innocence as well as the experienced side of him... I love it, every single bit of it and I never have enough of his 'pure awesomeness'..

I wish I would be with him forever... I never ever wanna let go of that heaven I have with him...
He is my world.. The best world I ever had

Please get me outta here

And I ended up losing my temper as usual.

It is becoming intolerable over the days..

Being responsible for stuff related not just to one person, two, but six including your own...

It becomes annoying and unbearable...

And if you unconsiously complain, you become a bad daughter...

I am simply unable to "give" anymore at this point of my life to those particular people...

I am tired of my spoiled sister who makes me go to work late everyday just because she is lazy and again, spoiled. I am tired of my mum having to make me drive her son and wait for him when he is two times my size, just because she is worried he might get kidnapped or mugged. He is 14 and HUGE... I take him with me to places as a source of protection and she still fears his taking a cab at night...

I am tired of my mum loading me with her emotional issues. I love her so much, but too much complaining and drama makes me wanna quit this house all together... I am tired of her tests, x-rays, pills, doctors appointments, worries, pains... I am sick of it all and I'm tired of listening to her never ending health worries...

I want to take a break. I want to miss them. I want to find myself away from them for a little while, maybe then I could miss them.

Today, I felt so pressured and was about to shout at them all and throw them out of my car. They fight all the way home, they complain, they force me into things, they dont like the music I'm listening to, they complain that it is taking us a lot of time to go home, they just keep complaining and complaining and it just fills me with more anger towards every single one of them... I just wish those coming 4 months to end fast. I simply cannot take it anymore...

Its like I had a nightmare
No... It's more like someone had to jump for a hundred times over my chest...
It's like a load... A really heavy one...
It is something I really hate, fear, and do not tolerate...
Although it takes me 2 minutes, and sometimes less, but I still hate it...

I am used to being forced into doing things that I hate doing, but this particular task (and I mean it when I refer to it as a task) is like the worst case of enforcement... It's like torture... It's like being asked to throw your whole body in front of a truck... It is horrifying...
I know I'm magnifying it 3000 times...

And although I am someone who likes being obedient and forgiving, I seem to transform into an evil person when it comes to this particular piece of sacrifice that I have to perform against my will...

It also turns out that there are more future silly and killer sacrifices to come... And this is just the start...

Couldn't sleep...
The list was haunting me all night.
I could c it all night long..
It was a bargain. A negotiation, where someone must win. A sales bargain. I was compared to a product. I was compared to a housekeeper. I was being sold.

How Cheap!
Its a killer feeling.
I resent it all.

I felt small, stupid, and objectified.
The only thing I was glad about is having a male figure to protect my rights and my dignity.
And from that day on, I will never dare ask for anything. Ever.

I want so much to hide and erase this from my memory.

I wish they could all back off me.
I need a break from their neediness, their endless requests, their complete involvement in my life.

I am tired of her always depending on me in every single detail of my life. I am tired of her pressurizing me like that. I hate it when she wants to decide on the furniture I'm choosing for my own house. I am tired when she presumes that she is helping me out, when all she is doing is ruin things between me and dad. I am tired of my dad always being jealous like a kid. I am tired of him ignoring me all the time. I am tired of his uselessness and dependence. I am tired of his inability to calm me down and make me feel like he will do everything he can to make this work out. I am tired of his always being angry, shouting, mocking me, control, and silly humor. I am tired of the whole family all together...

I am stressed out, worried, scared, terrified, and nobody is helping; they are actually increasing the amount of stress and worry I'm feeling. Instead of making it easier, they are simply finding their ways to press harder on my chest and it is a killer.

And the thing is, whenever I ask for help and support, they confuse me even more; mum denounces all the decisions that I have already made and Dad presumes that I don't need him, as I am an independent grown up woman. And when I decide that I will not seek their advice and do it on my own, they accuse me of letting them out of my life and depriving them of their right to control my life.

I thought that their role was to make it easier on me. To guide me to whatever that will make me happy. To give as much as they can to make things work out right. But I just realized that all I've been thinking of lately was how to please them, and make them happy about every single step I am taking, although I shouldn't. I have been doing this all on my own lately. Nine months without any form of support from them. Actually, with all my self sustained efforts, they still complain and make my life even harder. So why please them when they are always disappointing me.

Finally, I am a drama queen. I also freak out when I am going through something new all alone. Moreover, I am emotional, irrational, hormonal, jealous, a planned and organized freak, and quite energetic. I am sorry if I am like that, but that is just me and I am also sorry cause I tried so hard to change all of them and I couldn't.

The last minute of my being 26.

But it doesnt matter. I just spent the best day of my life... The best last day of my being 26..

The best surprise on earth. Romantic, sweet, adorable, cute, amazing, gorgeous, what else can I say? I was thrilled.

And then, bad luck struck me. But guess what, after whatever mess I felt, I now believe that i was wrong to think this was bad luck. Why do I always think of things in a negative way? He was here and that's all what matters. I didnt need people, nor a cake, not even my family singing me and reminding me of the age issue. All I wanted to feel and experience was his existence in my life. His being by my side, so close to me, anywhere on this planet, caring for me, looking after me, and making up surprises for me. I was over the moon. His being by my side for all those hours was all I ever wanted. Those moments of being by his side was worth it all. And I have to admit, I'm so in love with everything about him.

After every clash, we get to experience days of happiness.

Its like we missed each other, and want to go back to the loving state.

And it wasnt the lunch in the expensive resturaunt nor the fancy clothes. It was the low key things that brought us back together. Just a ride in the car, eating MC D's and Kitkats in the street.

All I wanted was to make him happy and satisfied. And all he did was be supportive and do everything he can to make me happy and secure. And I realised how important this man is to me and how cruicial is his existence in my life :)

A whole day of silence.

Trying so hard to make a conversation happen, or see a smile or a lil laugh.. But I was a complete failure. It was supposedly a day to reconnect. A day to make things better for both of us. But nothing was better.

We didnt talk. We kept silent. And this silence of his meant a lot to me. I realised how sad he is of what I said. I also realised that I should never ever express myself openly.

I learned that women are filled with filthy hormones that make us lose our partners. And the solution is, "Never Talk" when angry. I'd rather bang myself in the wall than be in this state for a week.

I'm sorry I was stupid. I kept quite and kept waiting for something to happen, and when nothing happened, I started wondering what's wrong. And as usual, I figured out all what could be wrong that revolved around me. And after a long while, I let it out all on him, and now, I've gained the consequences of revealing my inner frustrations. He doesnt talk to me. He is always frowning, doesnt have anything to say. He doesnt look at my anymore. We spend a lot of time in silence. And not just any silence, the Awkward state of Silence.

Anyway, and the lesson learned is, I will never ever talk when I'm upset or angry. I will just keep the anger and frustration to myself. Maybe share it with my friends or mum, but not with him. And I shouldnt be wanting him to do anything for me, or expecting anything from him. I should be doing everything on my own. And I should seriously get used to that. I should never show I'm sad or upset or disappointed. And if I am, I will spend sometime alone in my cave till I recover from my problems and return back to my normal state of being.

I'm so sorry. It turns out i'm just a woman. I freak-out like everybody else, I lack esteem most of the time, I'm jealous, and I fear your leaving me. So, I'm gonna back off, give you your space, and give myself mine.

The distance is getting bigger.
The silent moments are increasing and the awkwardness is unpreventable.
Frustration increases everyday.
No more zsa zsa zsu.
Emotional dryness is prevailing and its scary.
Calls are empty and formal. They are also shorter and becoming weirder everyday.
Voices are dull and reveals the feelings of guilt and depression.
Nothing is happening; hence, nothing is getting any better.

Everyday it's worse and everyday I wish for things to get better.
I prayed the other day for relief, for the better, for the good, and I keep waiting.
I was asked not to wait and not to worry.
I am not worried, I am expecting the normal and getting the unexpected.
I was blaming myself all along, but I shouldn't be doing that anymore.

Its all Ugly...

Where has beauty gone?

If you walk around, you will realise how ugly we have become.

Nothing is beautiful anymore. Even our Nile.

If you go an sit by the Nile, in a sunny day for coffee, you will get annoyed by the amount of litter thrown in it, the dirty color of its water, and the ugly little boats cruising in it with the worst of Egyptian music.

So here we are, turning into an ugly country. Full of black air and fumes, microbuses, people dressed in many unmatching colors, girls wearing veils as a social habit not as a religious obligation, men haressing all sorts of women even ugly ones, and the list continues.

Welcome to my ugly society, where houses are all furnished in golden seats and burgundy walls. Welcome to a society with gays, lesbians, husbands exchanging wives, child abuse, inscest and prostitution.

Everyday it becomes intolerable to be part of it. It is even more painful coz you have to keep quite and just go with the flow. The worst part if you want to work on fixing it, because you usually experience a severe case of depression, because there is nothing to do about it. And you just realise that after all the studying and the work you have done, still nothing helps. It is not worth it anymore. And you resort to leaving the whole country and finding yourself some other place more decent. You start belonging there. And even when you long to come back home, you realise that it is not home anymore. Even memories are not enough to make you forgive the other heartbreaking things going on in this country.

For the first time in my entire life I feel like I want to leave this all behind and find a more decent place to live in.

What should a bride-to-be feel like during her engagement period?

Probably happy. Excited about preparations. Exctied about settlement and being with the "one".

It is supposedly a period to be enjoyed. The best part of a girl's world. The only part when she is all spoiled and treated like a lady. Before and after that period is just normal life.

So, why isnt it like that for me? I'm always sad or worried about something. It's like nothing is going right. NOTHING is actually happening. Nothing is going smoothly. Nothing is fun. I keep waiting and waiting. Worrying about every single person involved in this marriage. Trying so hard to organize and plan things. Trying hard to please everyone. But nothing is changing. Nothing is moving on. I'm just right there at step number one. And all I'm doing is planning and fighting and worrying and crying.

Am I such a bitch?

Am I turning into a drama queen? Or maybe I already am one.

Most of the time I think that I shouldnt be feeling that way. But maybe I should.

I hate me.

After 10 hours of waiting and when I finally can smile, I'm bombarded with more shit so that I can't even spend a decent calm night. And now all I can think of is her. Why can't she just get out of my life for good? As if I can tolerate more shit.

I'm scared.
I'm afraid I'd keep quite and end up losing. And I'm scared that complaining might lead to lies.
I'm tired of the fire I'm feeling deep inside.

Her existence fills me with insecurities.
I wait for the bad news. For the announcement of my coming pain and loneliness.
I imagine all the bad things that could happen. I see her ruining my life for some reason.
But again, I end up blaming myself for it all.

I'm too possessive. A jealous freak. A clingy bitch. An insecure creature. What can I do about that?

Why is it that there has to be a flaw in everything? Why do I have to spend days and nights worried and waiting for shit to come?

When I sought advice, I was told that I have the right to feel that way. They also told me that I am good for being that patient and keeping those feelings to myself. However, they warned me about losing the friendship I just built. They simply told me to stay the way I am, which means more frustration and more waiting for something bad to happen.

I wonder when will this war inside me end.

X: Shut up
Stop using your heart an emotions. These things have their time. And if used right, things will always go right.

Y: But this is just me. The simple spontaneous me.

X: The world is not simple nor spontaneous. So you either act like an adult, or just bear the consequences of your emotionality.

Y: It is unbearable to be someone else I'm not.

X: Grow up. You're not 16 anymore. The mind is way better than the heart. Trust me on this.

Y: You're evil. You are just trying to break my heart. Life isn't all about reason. Emotions make this life beautiful.

X: Whatever... You never listen to me and you will fall and come crying to me like you always do. I never told you to stop being emotional. I just want you to stop being TOO emotional. Keep those emotions for the right moment. And trust me, it will work. Just listen to me for once. Test my theory for a week.

Y: Shut up and leave me alone.

X: You're dumb. Get out of my head.

My grandma always tells me that if I'm really scared of something, it will come to me.

It's orginally an Egyptian saying. Like if you're always scared of getting sick, you will always be sick. I believe in that saying, although its not always true. But I act accordingly. I try so hard not to think of what is scaring me and be optimistic so as not to get to experience the things I'm scared of.

But this, I think of all the time.

I've tasted its pain before. And honestly, I am not ready for more of it.

I thought I promised myself that the issue is over. But I don't think it is.

Another Egyptian expression we always say when we're thinking of bad things is "I have cockroaches in my head".. I believe I have all the insects in the world inside my head. I also believe that I will live in this scary situation for the rest of my life.

I wish I could break that head of mine and kill all the cockroaches.

The puzzle piece that completes the picture.
Actually the piece that makes it beautiful and meaningful.
Without this piece, the picture is not yet structured, finalised... It is simply incomplete.

The air without which we can't breathe, or live in the first place.
The water, the sun, the stars...

Wow, I realise I turn into a romantic freak when he's gone.
And seriously, I am so incomplete when he's gone.
I can add to that vulnerable, alone, afraid, short tempered, traumatized, and sad.
Everything became so tasteless. Nothing is amusing. Even friends are not fun to be with.

It's like I finally found my other half, and without that half, I'm just unable to function properly.
The one I stick to and look up to. The verb "Stick" is the secret of my weird misery. I am a clingy person and I need to cure that clinginess before I lose it all.

"la la" land!

Yes I am living in "la la" land...

Where do I live again? Heliopolis. And when I go out of that district, I go to others of similar standard. Mohandessin, Maadi, Zamalek... Aren't they all just the same? All people ride cars. The best and worst cars. But at least they have cars.

Where do I hang out? I do in the best resturaunts. You can always find me at City Stars either shopping, at the movies, eating, or again SHOPPING...

I go everywhere by car. I work in down town Cairo, which I consider way different from the district I live in. There, I meet all sorts of people. High and low income earners, tourists, beggers, informal workers, street vendors. And I consider that a change of culture. I simply consider down town Cairo to be exposing me to the other side of my country.

But then, I had the courage and the opportunity to visit the "Cairo Exhibit". It is an annual event, where all brands of electric devices display their products at discounts. And I was told that I should go and buy my stuff from there cause it would save me money and I would find new models there. And I was surprised to find that size of human beings entering the exhibit. Are all those Egyptians actually buying electric devices? Aren't we facing a global economic crisis?

People were pushing as if they are running so as not to miss something. As if the exhibit will run out of products. "Hey, stop pushing" I said, and I couldn't take her hands all around me telling me "yalla ya mama"... "Where should I go, its a queue. I have to wait. So stop pushing"...

I found people in "galabeyas" walking through the display booths of Panasonic, Toshiba, and Ceramica Cleopatra, where I found things I cant actually afford. So why were they going inside?

People find it amusing to go watch the displays, eat something cheap, spend some time together in the gardens that seperate the booths and go home at the end of the day. Its like a picnic for them. Where is actually isn't. And I guess Toshiba is basically paying all this money to display their products to actually sell them not for such sector of society to come with their kids and walk around touching the devices and making all the noise in the world.

I felt all ikkie and weird and out of this world. I felt like an alien in my own country, in my own district, in my own world. And that's when I realised I'm living in "la la" land. I am not part of the community who suffers. I am part of the community who enjoys the best out of the country's resources. I eat the best food, and take the best ride to work, and go watch the best movies at the best cinemas, and buy good expensive clothes. I am not Egyptian. I am a minority.

I don't go around searching for food in garbage cans. I don't go watch a movie with Tamer Hosny starring in it. Or another named "3al2et moot". I don't wear so many unmatching colors and glittery things. I don't ride the metro, and I don't take the public bus. I don't eat ta3meya every day and I don't love Kushary El Tahrir. I am simply not part of this country. I was born here but never lived like any of it's people. And it's not just me, it's all my friends living in my same circumstances and getting their education at the best international schools and ending up non-egyptian just like me.

I was always thinking, "why would any person go watch the ridiculous movies that the Egyptian cinema produces every single year?". But the exhibit answered my question. People need something to make them smile and forget. Something that would ease their pain and doesnt remind them of the continuous shit they are going through. Something they; simple & uneducated people, can understand and grasp. And the money of those people goes to Tamer Hosny, Hamada Helal, and Ramez Galal...

Three days of complete sadness.
I’ve been disappointed and fed up of everything. My dad, my boss, my job, my baby is away, money, responsibilities, everything was basically bothering me. I spent three days crying, frowning, no make up, wearing the worst of clothes and I simply believed I was gonna die with that depression.

Then all of a sudden, and out of nowhere, my mum was like “why would you worry about anything when you have “him” by your side?”

She is right. Why am I even depressed? Everything ends, but he will be with me forever (isa). I mean what if he’s away for a long while, he will be coming back soon (isa). I love him and he is the best person ever. Why should I be sad when I have the best person ever, right by my side and committing himself to spending the rest of his life with me.

I mean, I know I’ve been traumatizing the situation. And I know I’ve been like that because he has been away for a long while now. But he is coming back soon isa for me. And that is what matters. It doesn’t matter that my dad is driving me nuts. Nor that my boss is the rudest creature on this planet. All that matters is him. He is all I want. He is just all, everything, and absolutely nothing compares to him.

Tomorrow is a new day, which I will start with a big smile, a nice outfit, some new make up and a new happy spirit because I have the best baby that a girl could dream of having.

I’m grateful and happy.

Have you ever been tired of your own existence?
Tired of everything going wrong and knowing that its all because of your own existence?

Have you ever felt loaded by your own self?
And tired of everything that has to do with you.
I hate the idea of me. The unbearable idea that I do have to be me for the coming life.

Have you ever hated everyone that is bothering you in your life? But the thing is, you hate them because of your own existence. You hate them because you're naiive and childish and weak. You hate their attitudes because of your own.

Have you ever had the worst nightmares in a row? You wake up every morning with a different bad dream. And you still believe that it is because of you. Everything is because of you.

Do you wake up everyday hating the fact that you have to go to your good paying job, just because it pays you well? Have you ever hated your boss so much that you wish every single day that she'd quit?

I have issues. I have serious issues. But who cares. They are mine and I should be dealing with them. I wish I had complete independence, not just from my father, but from my boss, my job, my government, the laws of this country and the whole world.

His voice was sad…
I couldn’t bear hearing this tone of voice…
He sounded bored, depressed, tired, and desperate to come back… And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I was out with my mum and sis. I was supposedly having fun. We went out shopping for my little sister. I wanted to buy her something new to wear. She was depressed and I wanted to cheer her up. And I actually did. But when I heard his voice, I forgot about the entire planet. And all I wanted was to hold him tight, and ease his misery. I wanted so much to make things easy on him and make him a little better, but he wasn’t responding to my failed trials. He just wanted to end the conversation and leave. Or may be I was boring for him, or reminded him even more of the situation he is in.

I hated myself, and wished I was there for him. Wished I had something to do about it. I also wished I was sitting back home when he called and then may be I would have had a better chance of making him feel better. But I wasn’t home. And I’m spending the night wondering how he is.

I miss him. I never thought that love was such a tricky feeling. When you love someone, you feel his happiness and pain. I was sad because I knew he was sad, although I was spending some good time with my family. But I still felt sad because he was sad. I felt sad that I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. And although it’s painful, I find loving him to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I wait for him to call, I wait to hear his voice, his ringtone, I want to hold his hand, to hug him… I just wait for anything… And every single tiny thing he does or says means the whole world. I’m waiting for his smile. I can’t wait for him to come home.

I miss you!

I felt embaressed

Ashamed, happy and relieved..

Embaressed.. I am embaressed...

Am I too demanding? I always thought I was not like all girls. I'm independent & I know the meaning of concepts like working hard, earning money, paying bills, paying loans... I also had the priviledge of being the eldest of 4 brothers and sisters, so I knew all about financial problems, responsibilities, obligations and how to deal with them. I tried them all, and survived them all (EHL).. I consider myself a lucky child. Everything I ever wished for came true.

But I was still embaressed and ashamed...

I didn't know how to be thankful anymore. I had to let it out, and I did. I complained and confessed. I said things I shouldnt have said, but I did. I need his support. I need him still. His role hasn't ended yet. He still has a role here. But he is escaping it. Or maybe he is unable to fulfill it. Or maybe even demanding that role and right makes me a demanding person. I know that many people don't have what I have, but others do.

I believe I'm not asking for too much. I have always been modest when it comes to requesting things. But maybe I'm wrong. And maybe I'm just right...

I never thought I would be that weird.
I’m tense. And this attitude increases every single day.
He is not here. I thought I would be ok. But I am not. I am never ok.
I am always sick when he’s not there.
Everyday is just as boring and meaningless as the day before because he’s not here.
And even though I don’t get to see him everyday when he’s home, at least I look up to seeing him. At least I know I can pass by any time and find him there.
I am so freaked out.
Every night I feel so depressed and start crying subconsciously.
Why am I like that? Always sad and always fragile when he’s gone?
I never knew that I loved him that much. I never knew that he meant all that much to me. I never understood my feelings for him till this awful week had passed.
Living without him is like living in misery. It’s so painful. I’m serious, it is painful. It is a killer. I want him back home. I really want him back home.
Everything is all tasteless and boring without him.
Nothing makes me happy but him. Not my family, nor friends, not even achieving something I was dying for, or going out shopping for everything I always wanted. It’s just him that I want, and all the happiness belongs to him. He is the smile, the laugh, the love, the world…
I never thought I would love anyone that much. And although he calls me a million times a day, I still feel sad and alone without him.

Yesterday, I went to see his mum. I entered his house and he wasn’t there. He really wasn’t there. The house was so dull. I couldn’t take it. I wanted him back home. And when his mum and grandma started saying all the nice things about him, I was about to cry. I miss him and a week is so much more than I can bear.

I’m counting the days, waiting every single day for him to tell me that he’s on his way home. But he doesn’t. A week is so much for me. And another week would be deadly. Am I being all childish as usual? Or is this what they call “love”? I am deeply attached to him.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be like that and I should be encouraging him to excel at his job and do his best. But I can’t hide my emotions. I can’t stop feeling sad that he’s gone.

I miss him
I miss everything about him..
I miss his smile
I miss his raising his eyebrow jokingly in a way to make me sympathize with his cause..
I miss his lowering his lower lip to make realize he’s sad..
I miss his laugh…
I miss his whispering in my ears “I love you”…
I miss his hands holding mine…
I miss his smell, his stare, his warmth…
I miss his hugging me tight…
I miss his tickling me and making me scream from laughter…
I miss his touch, his being close to me, his breathing close to mine…
I miss the fire I feel inside when he’s close to me…
I miss him and it’s driving me crazy…

I’m aching deep inside. It hurts to have him away for so long
I feel so small, so alone, so sad, so incomplete without him… His phone call is the only thing I look up to during the day. And when he calls, it’s like my life is back, my soul is back in my body… I miss him that it hurts… OMG, I’m in pain… My heart is actually aching… It’s like I have this big lump in my chest…

He should be here… He should come back by now…
Those past 5 days have been like hell to me… And all I think of is having him back in my arms and never letting him go ever again…

OMG, I want him so much to come back home.
I found myself helpless, not knowing what to do to get out of this wreck… So I decided to break my diet and eat fries and burgers. And although I felt some relief since I’ve been eating salad only for the past week, still I felt sad cause nothing in this world can make me happy the way he does. Nothing in this world can replace him. Nothing in this world is as important to me as he is. And all I want is to have him back in my arms, in bed, in our room, alone, and cry my eyes out asking him never to leave me again…

OMG baby, come back already :(

On my way to work, I decided to park the car and go walking in the streets of down town Cairo.
I figured out that I should treat myself.
Had this urge to feel good, so I did walk to the streets of my university, where I spent 7 years of my life learning. I went to cilantro to get my favorite cup of coffee; my treat..

"Latte' skimmed milk please" was my request, and to my surprise, the cilantro guy remembered me, and gave me this big smile. While stirring my cup, the guy noticed my engagement ring and congratulated me for the engagement. His smile and good attitude made my day. And then I realised I needed to feel loved again.

For all my life I've been loved by everyone. I was never a hated person. But now, I feel hated. Although from a few people, but I still feel like I can be hated. I didnt want to go back to work where I will meet the boss who hates me and the colleague who bugs me. I wanted to stay at cilantro and maybe work from there. From a place where I belong and feel safe. I missed feeling secure.

But then I thought, maybe my boss hates me and is driving me nuts day and night, but on the other side the most beautiful thing happened to me; I got engaged to the most beautiful man on this planet earth. A man I love, care for, cherish, and adore. So why should I worry about her and the job when they are not even a priority in my life? Why worry when I have him by my side. And only then I started to smile. I enjoyed the walk in the chilly weather and enjoyed drinking my skinny latte'.

He then called me, and in his voice I felt the love we had for each other growing stronger. He said the most adorable words. His statements touched me, and made me the happiest person alive. I knew right then and there that I will be happy for the rest of my life (ISA)... And I also knew that I won't worry about anything as long as he's by my side.

To my dear boss, who won't have the priviledge of reading this.

After working with you for almost four years, I have to admit, you were successful at making me hate my job. You taught me how to hate you and hate the job I've always dreamed of having.

Your attitude makes me just forget any favor you have done for me or anything that you have done to make me a better person.

I hate your jealousy, your bad attitude, your contradictions, and your insecurities.

Today, you were so rude to me over the phone. Asking me to pay a sum of money to attend a course that I have to pay from my own salary; which you believe is too much for me to earn and you always remind me of it as if I dont know the sum I earn every month, and you make me feel like I'm an ignorant and unqualified person, although I'm now in the process of applying for my PhD.

You also deprived me of attending a conference I was invited to and was dying to attend, claiming that i need to be in the office to finish some work.

I have to thank you for succeeding in making me seek leaving my job and finding some other place with more decent people and better work environment. Thank you for making me believe that working with a woman manager is the worst thing in the world. Thank you for making me lose trust in you and feel insecure most of the time. Thank you for every single tear or anger you caused me because of your ill treatment.

I hope I find a better job and prove to you and everyone like you what I really deserve.

I'm in love
Head over heals
I'm tangled up
I'm attached, addicted, I'm in love..

I can't tolerate the distance. I can't imagine his leaving.. I can't endure his being away..
I feel scared.. or maybe worried.. sad? I know what I feel.. I feel terrified at the thought of him being away.. I'm all childish.. I'm all tangled up.. I don't want him to leave.. Actually, even my leaving is hard as well.. I hate the distance.. I hate his living an hour away from me, so how would I tolerate the idea that he can be even more distant?

Am I too possessive? Am I obssessed with him? Does he hate me for the way I feel? Do I pressurise him with wanting him that much? Do I burden him with my needing him?

I love him..
I have to admit that I never loved anyone in the world like I love him..
I'm all tears knowing that he is leaving tomorrow morning.. And I am surely ashamed of myself.. I feel like a child and I hope I stop this childish attitude of mine..
I love him so much.. I love him and I don't want him to leave.. I love him and it's killing me that he's going somewhere far, dangerous and where I might not be able to reach him, even through phone..

Baby don't be late.. I miss you already

Marriage War!

To all girls out there, marriage is like war

You get to live a war of families, a war of in-laws, a war within the family itself, and a special war with the father of the bride.. My father!

For a second I realised how controlled my life is. Everything about the marriage is controlled by 6 or more people. Every decision I have to make is bound to being agreed upon by all the 6 people. I thought it was hard for just me and my partner to agree on a particular issue, but then I realised how tough it is to have the whole army agree on something.

The apartment is where the war began. I realised that every single detail is a source of debate, concern, fight, disagreement, and some sort of sadness at the end, because one of the 6 people have to sacrifice his ideas/power/control over the rest and accept an idea that is not his/hers.

What bothers me is that I feel controlled. Logically speaking, I'm the one who will be stuck in this apartment forever, so it should be me and my partner deciding on everything. But the parents tend to forget that matter, and start imposing their ideas and forcing us into them and I know that in the end, I will be living in a place with a million things that I really hate.

Should I be concerned? Should I worry? Should I be enraged? I should of course, but will I be heard? Of course not. And I simply have to keep the war going so that I end up married. The apartment is one issue in the war of marriage and going on with the rest of the list means I'm gonna die by the end of the engagement period.

The father of the bride is a completely different and difficult war. And his war is a killer. He is my main source of misery and pain. His jealousy is different compared to any of the other members of the war. He tends to make me feel like I will do it all by myself. I don't belong to him anymore because I chose a guy that will take me from him. He sees me as the most precious thing he's got and he simply doesn't accept the idea of letting me go. And accordingly, he is showing no interest or concern in anything but controlling my life. Not the normal control, an even worse one. I feel like I'm a teenager all over again and he is raising me from scratch. Yesterday, I was fed up of his negativity. I was fed up of his not being concerned. I was fed up of his being upset about things going on in the apartment that he doesnt like. I was fed up of his not doing anything for me to make this marriage work. He is either fighting with me (and only me) or keeping quite and passive. He is either so controlling and jealous in a freaky way, or leaving me deal with the hassle all by myself.

Besides that, I have the mother of the groom, who is obviously so hard to please. She seems to be just like my father, controlling and freaked out that her son is going to leave soon. And since I have to make her "like" me, it takes a deadly effort that is usually a failure. And since I am always feeling like a theif, I have to prove otherwise. It's a killer to realise how "you" can be the source of all the war. And in order to reach the goal, you have to live every single moment of that war.

I am sometimes tolerant of such nonesense. But other times, I burst in tears knowing that no one will ever hear me. Yesterday, I was so out of love with my father, crying my eyes out from his childish acts and passivity. And the deadly news was when I realised that I'm the only one living and affected by this mess. I'm the bride who should be happy that she's getting married, but the war is all I can see. The only happiness I encounter is when we're alone; just me and him alone.

"SIGH"

Tell me, ya Om El Donia, what is it that you want from me?
I've been living on your land for almost 27 years now and I still don't understand the mentality of your people.
I've been brought up in a religious house, where prayer and wearing the veil are the main pillars. We were taught to obey, to respect, to be honest, never to lie, and to work hard. I was also taught to deal with the opposite sex in a certain manner. My father always forbade me from going out with my guy friends, talking to them over the phone and creating any kind of close friendship with them. In the same time, I was in a mixed school for all my life. And not just any mixed school, it was one of the very famous "open-minded" schools in Cairo. Then, I was lucky enough to be a student and a graduate of the American University in Cairo, which is famous in Egypt for it's unbehaved students and attitudes. I saw people (males and females) hugging, kissing, making out, wearing revealing clothes, flirting with professors, dating at the age of 11.

And since my home was a strict one, I never dated and I was forced to wear the veil on my 12th birthday. I remember that day, all my friends went to the pool together (boys and girls) and I went with them, but my dad wouldnt allow me to wear a bathing suit and swim with them cause there were boys. And at 8pm on that day, I wore the veil. And he gave me then LE 100 as a prize for being a good girl.

The first time I called a guy over the phone was when I first had my cell phone. I was 17 yrs old by then. I never had a boy friend. The first true failed relationship I had was when I was 22 yrs old. I was too old to know whats wrong and whats right. I went out with him like 4 to 5 times in a whole year and that was it. I was so scared of being seen in public, although all my friends were used to dating and all these things. But I was never introduced to this world of relationships.

And when I finally, at the age of 26, got OFFICIALLY engaged, wearing an engagement ring, and going out in public with my official fiance', I realise that the public does not accept "ME" in particular and my fiance holding hands or sitting close to each other in a cafe.

Yesterday, I was in one of the famous cafes in Cairo, sitting with my finance, each on a separate chair, but the chairs where by each other's side, and he was holding my hand. And after ordering, the waiter called my fiance, and asked us to sit in a more "decent" way because people are complaining.

I felt oppressed. The whole society is unfair to me. When I am finally in a relationship that is Official, they still accuse me of things that I don't do. And all I see everywhere, are people holding hands, hugging, wearing the worst of clothes, having the worst behavior and attitude, and the society still tyrannizes ME. I hate Egyptians. They seem to annoy people holding hands, but refuse to believe that Egypt has gays and lesbians and hookers. I hate you all Egyptians. You seem to contradict yourself. And I have to blame my parents for the confusion I am facing right now. I don't know who I am. Am I the religious behaved girl? Or the one who got kicked out of a cafe by some nobody because of misbehaving by holding my fiance's hand?

You betrayed me ya "Om el Donia" and I am so ashamed of you..

An hour, two, five, seven, eight hours without hearing his voice..
And every minute kills me..
Should I call? What will I say? I have nothing to say..
Should I appologise? Should I wait for him to say something? Should I give him his space?
Was I wrong? Or was I right to speak up with my troubles, looking for fast solutions?

Am I rushing things? Or is it already late and I should have rushed things from the beginning?

Am I a bad person? Should I be considered a good partner? Should I be that sad?
I am so sad.
Without him, hours are like million years. I keep looking at my phone every second waiting for him to call. Waiting for him is really painful. And calling him would make me feel the worst ever, if I found out that he's upset or sad..

I miss him like hell. I miss him so much. I've been busying myself all day with all sorts of things in order not to think of the problem I've placed myself in. But I couldn't. He is the only thing on my mind and all I want is to find my phone ringing with his name on it. I want to see him. I really want to see him. I am tired of being obliged to lie in order to see him. I'm sick of being afraid. I'm sick of making up stories.

I really miss him. Breathing is hard without him.
Should I call? But what will I say? I simply have nothing to say but the fact that I miss him and love him so much. I want to see him so bad. I wanna kiss him so much and hug him so tight and maybe then he would know how much he means to me, and how sick I can get without him.

Eight hours, like an eternity. Eight miserable hours.
Should I call?
I will call. Eventually I will find something to say.

Bored
Enraged
Tired
Helpless..
Hate myself.. so much..
Tired of waiting..
Tired of being helpless..
Bored of myself..

Crying my eyes out.. Wish I could cry till I run out of tears.. Can I ever get rid of those tears and learn to stop crying..


Wish I could have a means to stop torturing myself..

Wish things were as easy as I pictured them to be.. But as usual, I am too optimistic for this stupid world..


I hope she's happy now that my life is all messed up. Nothing is working out right "sob7an ALLAH".. Its all wrong.. Hope she's internally satisfied seeing me in such state of sadness..


Dont know what should be done.. Have nothing to do and its killing me..

I feel trapped.

Letting out some anger
A lot of frustration..

Well actually, its more anger than frustration..
I am angry, enraged, in a state of wrath.. There is some war inside my head..
And this time, I am right.. I have all the right to feel that way..
But there is nothing to be done about it..
Either I stay in that feeling forever, or I just try to suppress it like I always do, but after a little while it will appear in a larger form than it originally is.

I am simply tired of waiting
I am tired of complaining
and I am tired of being blamed

I will simply stop acting and stop thinking.
I will stop being available.. I will again hide from it all.
I will not discuss, or nag.
And I know for sure that nothing will happen and I will either learn to adapt to the current status or burst.

Some Nonesense

In the dark..
Where its so cold outside but so warm inside.
Together..
Alone, but not alone..
Not recognised by the passers..
Unaware of the world..

Scary.. Risky.. Tender.. Wild.. Unstoppable.. Satisfying..
Reaching a peak were its hard to stop.. but have to..

Extreme satisfaction and frustration..
More is tiring, but who wouldnt want more..
More is scary, but should I even care?
Thirsty but in no need for water..
Experiencing a different kind of hunger that actually tastes good..

It doesnt last, because its beautiful..
But at least I had the chance..

Woke up like that
Frowning.. Remembering all things that would upset me in the same instant..
And I just got myself into the mood of boredom and anger.

And I am not even willing to listen to the bright side of life...
And although the things bothering me are minor and workable, I still am in this mood and not really willing to get out of it.

When it comes to weight, I really dont want to go through the trouble of eating diet food, but the thing is, I have to because I hate the way I look when I see myself in the mirror. Why am I even treating myself in that harsh manner? I have no clue. But I just hate the fact that I gained so much weight.

When it comes to problems at home, I have no hand in them. I cant solve them and no one can. Its out of our hands. And I even shouldnt be bothered or thinking the way I am. But I hate feeling trapped and helpless. It has been a never ending problem.

I also hate waiting, and depending on others to finish my own errands for me. But again, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless.

I hate the bad attitude I have to go through with people at work. I hate having to be all professional and firm and frowning all the time. Im tired actually of it.

When I look at what I just wrote, I realise that they are really minor issues compared to what Ive been through before. So why am I so depressed right now?

While in bed waiting for sleep to come and end the day, I started thinking of the million things God gave me that I should be thankful for. I remembered those days when I was really miserable and believed back then that I was doomed with this misery forever. But I realised that its not true. Finally, I was given the reward I was waiting for.

I started off this year with something extra special. And I just realised that it has occupied all my writing, thoughts, daily actions, and my universe. I mean.. isnt he an angel?

I mean, whenever I feel down or face a problem, I think of him and I realise that there is nothing to worry about as long as he's here with me. Nothing compares to him and nothing deserves any worry or even happiness. He deserves all my thoughts, my time, my efforts, my attention, even my pains and worries. I shouldnt waste anything on anyone but him. He fills me with peace and love and a bunch of more good feelings that I can't really describe. I keep remembering the many good things we had together and I realise that this is the ultimate happiness. Its been 8 months and I feel like its been more than that. I can't remember anymore my life before him. And I really dont want to, because it was meaningless.

Yesterday, I kept telling my mum how much I loved him. I never thought I had the courage to express my emotions in front of my mum. But I did, and repeated it a million times till she was like "Ok, Ok, I know you love him".. I love him.

Attached

Is that what it is?
To feel like nothing makes you happy but being by his side?
I mean, I am attached to him.
I have to hear his voice a million times a day.
I have to see him more than 3 times a week. And not just see him, I have to stick to him "like glue". I have to be so close to him.
I am attached to him. I am the happiest when he is around.
I am addicted to him.
I thought these are only some words I read in romantic novels. But it turns out to be a phenomenon. I mean I really am addicted to him. Two days without him causes me depression. I enter into this phase of bad mood and a sense of self intolerance. I simply ache.
Its actually so weird and scary to feel like you totally depend on a person. All your emotions, powers, energy and life is based and dependent on that one particular person. Its like he's my oxygen, my water, my air, my means of survival. And you simply take the idea of him leaving or abandoning you, forgranted. And you take the risk because you can't simply live without him. You cant simply breathe without him.
And you tend to tolerate anything bad from this world as long as he's there with you. He is your source of happiness. He is my main source of happiness and survival.
Yesterday I felt scared when I realised that he is my everything. I felt attached to him. Whenever I moved around to meet anybody, I felt away, and wanted to simply go back to him and stick to him like glue. He is all I want and the only one I wanna be with.

I'm totally attached.

With all the disappointments and fights
With all the worries and inconveniences
I was still happy.. because I have him..

After all the tears and fighting..
I found him waiting for me.. Willing to take me in his arms and ease my pain..
Patient and willing to listen to my nonsense..
He is always there.. Always caring.. Although I mostly say nothing important at all, but he still listens and cares, and most of the time fetches solutions for me..
He picked me up from nowhere.. He held me tight in public.. He filled me with love and warmth..
He makes me feel like the world is great..
The world is really great just because he is sharing it with me.

The other day I was so tired and sleepy. But I was so in need of being with him.
I went to him and buried myself inside him.
In his arms I feel like home.
In his arms I feel happy and forget the entire world.
In his arms I feel warm and safe. I feel loved.
His simplicity makes my world beautiful.

I just hope I would as good a partner as he is to me.
I wish I'm good enough for him.
I hope I make him happy just like he does.
I'm so in love with him

A clash happened
It was my responsibility.
I believe I should have been a little bit flexible so as not to cause any trouble.
Or was I right?

I hate dealing with people of this country.
I dont like my work colleagues or my boss.
I am not like them and I never want to be.
I am too polite for this job.
Should I quit it all together or should I just change?

I am honest, sensitive and truthful.
I am just, responsible and open.
I dont have secrets, and I hate lies.
These characteristics are not good when it comes to working in this corrupt society.

So here is the solution.. I hope it works.
Be formal with everyone
Talk less, listen more.
Be more professional and less emotional
Cry less
be friends with no one at work
beware of all colleagues, they are just work colleagues
Be firm all the time with everyone

I wont misjudge myself anymore
I'm a good person and to hell with all of them

My first and best Valentine's day

The best 2 days of my life

Was on a three day work assignment out of Cairo, and I was so depressed that I won't be back home with my baby. I hate leaving him. Even if its just for three days. But still he was so far away. On my first day, I kept telling him how much I missed him. I was talking to him on the phone 24/7. And I actually felt pain in the heart from missing him. Distance causes me a heartache. My other half was away and I was all alone in bed.



He promised to come spend the day with me. I couldnt sleep from excitement. He told me he would take me out and he did. As soon as I finished work, he was there. He came all the way to spend the day with me. He drove all this distance to be with me. And I was over the moon. I couldnt sleep thinking how will we spend the time together. I couldnt stop thinking of him. And here he was, the cutest ever. He was wearing this new shirt and looked so stunningly cute. We ate, drove, talked, walked, laughed alot, and shared so many beautiful things. I felt like a student who ran out of school to hang out with her boyfriend. I couldnt believe that he was really there. It took me a while to calm down from the excitement I was in. I was Happy. HAPPY is a small word describing how I felt. For the first time in years I felt loved and cared for. I felt special, finally. And I'm blessed and glad that God granted me with such a great husband.



We ate by the sea, and his hands were all around me. His hands were holding mine. His warmth was surrounding me and I was smiling all day. I was happy. I love him. He was holding me tight, he was my companian for a whole day. We were together, alone, in a different city for a whole day.

Then, after a long day of work, fighting and crying, he drove all the way to pick me up from nowhere. There he was, the cutest thing ever, holding a bunch of red flowers in white wrapping and I was speechless. I barely held my tears. I am blessed. I am loved and I'm head over heals. I hugged him. And I forgot all the trouble. I didnt care about anything but the fact that he's there. I am finally with him. I am finally home. We drove all the way home, met my parents, had dinner, and had fun. I was all sleepy and tired, but I was still the happiest person on the planet. I was in love with the best man in this world. My husband. I love the sound of the word in my ear; "my husband", "my hubby", my love... my baby :)



Thank you baby for making me that happy

Thank you for making me fall in love with you every single day

Thank you for being my baby

Thank you for making me smile

Thank you for being just who you are

Thank you for loving me... :D



I am happy and in love.

Appologies
Couldnt speak
Some things are better not to be spoken about
Some things are better left unsaid
Appologies
Couldnt talk
Sometimes I just find solutions when I'm quite
And sometimes there are no solutions in the first place
Appologies
Couldnt change the tone
Everytime I try, I feel like I'm lying
And everytime I do, I feel like a hypocrite.
Appologies baby
I'm ok.. Just need time to resume myself
and soon I wont show this aweful side of mine
I'm sorry I made you worry
And I'm sorry that sometimes I keep quite..

Resume the story
Lets go back in time
A little bit back
And put it in a different course. A more desirable scenario.
Lets fix the story. Include some happiness in it.
Fill it with love. Reduce the pain. Give it a happy ending.
Remove the guilt. Make it romantic. Remove the mistakes and make it perfect.

But you simply can do none of that. It has to be just the way it is.
So long and so annoying. And you simply cant predict the ending. You have to wait till it ends. You cant rewind it, you cant change the course of action. You have to wait for it to pass in front of your eyes. And you will always be helpless. Unable to have control over it.
And everyday you wake up in the morning wondering what will this day have for you. And you wish it passes in peace. But none of your days are peaceful. You hope the routine ends. But does it end? You wish that all people treat you well like you do. But you realise they are all cruel.

Why the hell do we have to go through it then?
Why can't it be a little bit simpler and easy to go through?
Why can't it be a little bit predictable and obvious?
Why am I even worried? Why dont I just let it be?!!
Let everything and everyone just BE..
I shouldnt be giving a shit.
Because at the end of the day, I have nothing to do about it.

Husband! My Husband :D

My Husband.
Husband! Husband?

What does the word mean?
Today, I felt for the first time, that He is my husband.
His holding my hand felt different this time. His arms around me and his presence felt weird and different. He is my Husband.

I kept looking at his hand holding mine and felt like, I'm his.
Ive been saving myself for him. And now, I'm all his.
I belong to him. He can see me, touch me, hold me, and I'm to be supported and protected by him.
I will take care of him, love him, be good and beautiful for him, I will obey and share everything with him. I "belong" to him.

I felt great. I felt again so calm, so happy, so secure. He is my Husband and I am his.
I will wake up by his side. I will allow him into a world I've been keeping just for him.
And I'm so happy and grateful that God granted me with such an amazing Husband.
He deserves even more than what I have to give.

I love him. I never thought I'd love anyone that much.
Today, I realised how attached I am to him. I'm addicted to him. And my being away from him makes me ache. I belong to him, and I love him more every single day.
I'm thankful and Happy :D

You are there but Never there!

Alone. Not in the "loneliness sense"..
I have a partner and a family as well as friends.
Alone in the sense that, I'm doing it on my own.

I have no back up, no support, I cant lean on him or depend on him in any sense of the word.
Its not like I need anything from him, I know I can do it on my own.
I know I dont need him or anything.
I know I can be totally independent.
I know I'm capable of doing it alone.
But I also know that like all girls, I need him.
The protector, the supporter, the manhood in my life..
Why am I all concerned about the issue when I know for sure that he has nothing to do about it.
He has been helpless for ages now. And all I can do is pray God to help him.
Sometimes my prayers are answered, and sometimes they are a little late. But I know they're for the best.

I also know that I shouldnt be feeling that way. I should be more understanding.
But I simply can't. I'm always worried and sad that I'm not like them all. I'm all by myself although he is here. But he is not there for me anymore.
He always claims that I shouldnt be feeling that way. Making me feel like I'm mistaken. Making me feel like I can't do anything without him. But the truth is, I am well and capable of doing everything without him, because he is there, but never there.

Congratulations Americans! I envy you!!

Congratulations Americans for having Obama
I envy all of you because you have the luxury of choosing your president.
I also envy you because you belong to the advanced part of the world and I dont.
Your passport makes you go anywhere and do whatever.
Your country is a mass production economy, so you have cheap products, in wide varieties, and from all over the world.
You have the best education, your streets are organized and clean, your air is fresh, and your people smile because they don't have as much worried as our people.

I envy you because you have the right to pick your own president and be happy at his inauguration. But us! We have to say yes because we have no other choice. We don't have educated that can take up the place of a president, and even if we do, we're a dictatorship, a hidden monarchy. I've only seen one president since I was born, and I'm afraid I'm going to die having the same president ruling my undeveloped country. But my American cousins, they've seen like 5 to 6 different presidents, and had the right to elect them.

I envy you because your president is so eloquent and well educated. I envy you because you had a great inauguration celebration, with all citizens attending and enjoying the event. In our case, they close all Cairo and make our lives a living misery. I envy you because your president just made a great speech that he would fulfill, but our speeches are usually just speeches, because there is no use in developing our dead economy.

I envy you because your president rules the entire planet, not just the U.S. And I envy you because all the world watches your president become president.

I'm happy for you because I really like Obama. And I hope he rules the world in a better way than the previous world presidents. I hope he ends war, and really establish peace on the planet. I hope.

Breathing fast
Breathing loud
closing eyes..
Getting closer..
The unforgetable touch.. An irresistible touch..
A touch that makes the heart beat faster.. And the body gets hot and wild..
Love rushes to the chest.. And breathing is ever faster and louder..

Closer.. Even closer..
Warmth, affection, and love..
Lots of love.. Love is a very trivial word. Its more than just love.
And I get lost.. Entering a world of extreme love and affection.
A world of ours that consists of just us, in love, happy, and together.

I never understood the beautiful meanings of the words home, together, and us..
And I never felt this feeling of loss I get when he's around and close to me.
I love him, and everytime he's around I feel so deeply in need of lying inside him and closing my eyes cause I'm finally "home".

He's my happiness, my entire universe.
Everytime he smiles at me, I feel like I am the happiest person alive, and everytime he touches me, I know I own the entire universe. I love him.

When he's there, I lose my mind and only have a heart that beats only for his existence.
When he's there, I know that I will never be "alone" again. I love him.

I miss him. I miss him even when he's holding me tight.
I love him, and will love him forever.

A Woman Seeking Perfection!

Since there is nothing in this world perfect, why do I insist on being all perfect?
No one can ever be perfect. Human beings are not born to be perfect. They are there to make mistakes and to regret and to be incomplete.

I'm always concerned with being beautiful, thin, honest, truthful, make no mistakes. I also try not to be a jealous, nagging, and worried women, which is truly against the normal female nature. I try to be all nice, warm, friendly. Generous, giving, kind, and open-minded. I always try to be everything nice. But no one can ever be everything nice.

Whats wrong with making mistakes? I always fear making mistakes because they are usually accompanied by painful feelings of guilt that never depart me. But the thing is, people do wrong and sometimes even the wrong tastes great. Moreover, my religion says that I can seek forgiveness and even seeking forgiveness tastes really good. So why the hell am I seeking this perfection.

A friend of mine once told me that a woman seeking perfection makes her a "perfect" woman. He also told me that the fact that I always seek being perfect makes me a good partner. However, I need to stop seeking it, because at the end of the day, I find it depressing coz I never will be perfect the way I want myself to be.

I wish I could just accept the woman in me just the way it is and stop pressurising myself with this "perfection" thing. I'm making mistakes and feeling good about myself for a change ;)

Some moments are just so uneasy and ridiculous that you really want to end them.
But to your surprise, they tend to be never ending and no matter what you do, they wont end.
You try to move, to end the outting, the phone call, but they don't.

You keep wondering what happened? What has gone wrong? Why are we so silly, so quite? But you find no answers. No solutions. No hope in ending this state.

The clock doesnt move and the words don't come. No ideas, nothing.
Its just silence and ridiculous thoughts.

I'm out of here. I wanna go away. I feel ridiculous again.
I have nothing to say and I feel so distant. I feel so selfish, so insecure again.
I feel uneasy and tired. I feel guilty and irrational.
I'm worried.
I'm gonna bury my head in bed.

"Whore.. You're a whore.. A WHORE"
And that is all she could hear on her way home.
The voices inside her head screaming "whore, whore, WHORE"
She turned the volume up, listening to Metallica's "Unforgiven III", in an attempt to end those voices inside her head. But she could still hear the brutal word even higher and higher.

She drove fast. As fast as she could, as if taking revenge from that voice inside her head. She insisted on driving fast to scare the voice away, but it was there, laughing at her. Telling her that she has become a whore and she could never break out of it.

"I'm not a whore", she said and went on convincing that voice that she is a good person. But the voice didnt stop his repeating the word more and more.

Finally home. Talking to people, listening to music, singing, eating, doing everything possible to stop that voice inside her head, with no hope, no escape.

The best thing ever!

A friend of mine told me today that the best thing ever is to lie in bed with the one you love.

And I couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel like lying in the same bed with my baby. Wouldn’t it be heaven? Just me and him, in our room, our bed, our home, and under our blanket. It would be the best thing ever, and I wouldn’t ask for more.

At the thought of it, I realized how much I miss him. It’s been ages since we’ve been together alone. We’ve been all worried about plans and the apartment that we didn’t have time to be together. And I was so worried about things that meant nothing if weighed with how much I love him and how much I want to be with him.

I just miss him. I miss his air, his breathing next to me, his holding me tight. I miss his smiling at me and his laughing with me. I miss his looking into my eyes for so long that I want to hide from them. I miss his voice whispering things in my ears. I miss his smell, his touch, his protectiveness. I miss his warmth, and the feeling of security I get when he’s around.

I miss him and I would really want to lie in bed beside him and fall asleep by his side every night. That would be the best thing ever :D