Its all Ugly...

Where has beauty gone?

If you walk around, you will realise how ugly we have become.

Nothing is beautiful anymore. Even our Nile.

If you go an sit by the Nile, in a sunny day for coffee, you will get annoyed by the amount of litter thrown in it, the dirty color of its water, and the ugly little boats cruising in it with the worst of Egyptian music.

So here we are, turning into an ugly country. Full of black air and fumes, microbuses, people dressed in many unmatching colors, girls wearing veils as a social habit not as a religious obligation, men haressing all sorts of women even ugly ones, and the list continues.

Welcome to my ugly society, where houses are all furnished in golden seats and burgundy walls. Welcome to a society with gays, lesbians, husbands exchanging wives, child abuse, inscest and prostitution.

Everyday it becomes intolerable to be part of it. It is even more painful coz you have to keep quite and just go with the flow. The worst part if you want to work on fixing it, because you usually experience a severe case of depression, because there is nothing to do about it. And you just realise that after all the studying and the work you have done, still nothing helps. It is not worth it anymore. And you resort to leaving the whole country and finding yourself some other place more decent. You start belonging there. And even when you long to come back home, you realise that it is not home anymore. Even memories are not enough to make you forgive the other heartbreaking things going on in this country.

For the first time in my entire life I feel like I want to leave this all behind and find a more decent place to live in.

What should a bride-to-be feel like during her engagement period?

Probably happy. Excited about preparations. Exctied about settlement and being with the "one".

It is supposedly a period to be enjoyed. The best part of a girl's world. The only part when she is all spoiled and treated like a lady. Before and after that period is just normal life.

So, why isnt it like that for me? I'm always sad or worried about something. It's like nothing is going right. NOTHING is actually happening. Nothing is going smoothly. Nothing is fun. I keep waiting and waiting. Worrying about every single person involved in this marriage. Trying so hard to organize and plan things. Trying hard to please everyone. But nothing is changing. Nothing is moving on. I'm just right there at step number one. And all I'm doing is planning and fighting and worrying and crying.

Am I such a bitch?

Am I turning into a drama queen? Or maybe I already am one.

Most of the time I think that I shouldnt be feeling that way. But maybe I should.

I hate me.

After 10 hours of waiting and when I finally can smile, I'm bombarded with more shit so that I can't even spend a decent calm night. And now all I can think of is her. Why can't she just get out of my life for good? As if I can tolerate more shit.

I'm scared.
I'm afraid I'd keep quite and end up losing. And I'm scared that complaining might lead to lies.
I'm tired of the fire I'm feeling deep inside.

Her existence fills me with insecurities.
I wait for the bad news. For the announcement of my coming pain and loneliness.
I imagine all the bad things that could happen. I see her ruining my life for some reason.
But again, I end up blaming myself for it all.

I'm too possessive. A jealous freak. A clingy bitch. An insecure creature. What can I do about that?

Why is it that there has to be a flaw in everything? Why do I have to spend days and nights worried and waiting for shit to come?

When I sought advice, I was told that I have the right to feel that way. They also told me that I am good for being that patient and keeping those feelings to myself. However, they warned me about losing the friendship I just built. They simply told me to stay the way I am, which means more frustration and more waiting for something bad to happen.

I wonder when will this war inside me end.

X: Shut up
Stop using your heart an emotions. These things have their time. And if used right, things will always go right.

Y: But this is just me. The simple spontaneous me.

X: The world is not simple nor spontaneous. So you either act like an adult, or just bear the consequences of your emotionality.

Y: It is unbearable to be someone else I'm not.

X: Grow up. You're not 16 anymore. The mind is way better than the heart. Trust me on this.

Y: You're evil. You are just trying to break my heart. Life isn't all about reason. Emotions make this life beautiful.

X: Whatever... You never listen to me and you will fall and come crying to me like you always do. I never told you to stop being emotional. I just want you to stop being TOO emotional. Keep those emotions for the right moment. And trust me, it will work. Just listen to me for once. Test my theory for a week.

Y: Shut up and leave me alone.

X: You're dumb. Get out of my head.

My grandma always tells me that if I'm really scared of something, it will come to me.

It's orginally an Egyptian saying. Like if you're always scared of getting sick, you will always be sick. I believe in that saying, although its not always true. But I act accordingly. I try so hard not to think of what is scaring me and be optimistic so as not to get to experience the things I'm scared of.

But this, I think of all the time.

I've tasted its pain before. And honestly, I am not ready for more of it.

I thought I promised myself that the issue is over. But I don't think it is.

Another Egyptian expression we always say when we're thinking of bad things is "I have cockroaches in my head".. I believe I have all the insects in the world inside my head. I also believe that I will live in this scary situation for the rest of my life.

I wish I could break that head of mine and kill all the cockroaches.

The puzzle piece that completes the picture.
Actually the piece that makes it beautiful and meaningful.
Without this piece, the picture is not yet structured, finalised... It is simply incomplete.

The air without which we can't breathe, or live in the first place.
The water, the sun, the stars...

Wow, I realise I turn into a romantic freak when he's gone.
And seriously, I am so incomplete when he's gone.
I can add to that vulnerable, alone, afraid, short tempered, traumatized, and sad.
Everything became so tasteless. Nothing is amusing. Even friends are not fun to be with.

It's like I finally found my other half, and without that half, I'm just unable to function properly.
The one I stick to and look up to. The verb "Stick" is the secret of my weird misery. I am a clingy person and I need to cure that clinginess before I lose it all.

"la la" land!

Yes I am living in "la la" land...

Where do I live again? Heliopolis. And when I go out of that district, I go to others of similar standard. Mohandessin, Maadi, Zamalek... Aren't they all just the same? All people ride cars. The best and worst cars. But at least they have cars.

Where do I hang out? I do in the best resturaunts. You can always find me at City Stars either shopping, at the movies, eating, or again SHOPPING...

I go everywhere by car. I work in down town Cairo, which I consider way different from the district I live in. There, I meet all sorts of people. High and low income earners, tourists, beggers, informal workers, street vendors. And I consider that a change of culture. I simply consider down town Cairo to be exposing me to the other side of my country.

But then, I had the courage and the opportunity to visit the "Cairo Exhibit". It is an annual event, where all brands of electric devices display their products at discounts. And I was told that I should go and buy my stuff from there cause it would save me money and I would find new models there. And I was surprised to find that size of human beings entering the exhibit. Are all those Egyptians actually buying electric devices? Aren't we facing a global economic crisis?

People were pushing as if they are running so as not to miss something. As if the exhibit will run out of products. "Hey, stop pushing" I said, and I couldn't take her hands all around me telling me "yalla ya mama"... "Where should I go, its a queue. I have to wait. So stop pushing"...

I found people in "galabeyas" walking through the display booths of Panasonic, Toshiba, and Ceramica Cleopatra, where I found things I cant actually afford. So why were they going inside?

People find it amusing to go watch the displays, eat something cheap, spend some time together in the gardens that seperate the booths and go home at the end of the day. Its like a picnic for them. Where is actually isn't. And I guess Toshiba is basically paying all this money to display their products to actually sell them not for such sector of society to come with their kids and walk around touching the devices and making all the noise in the world.

I felt all ikkie and weird and out of this world. I felt like an alien in my own country, in my own district, in my own world. And that's when I realised I'm living in "la la" land. I am not part of the community who suffers. I am part of the community who enjoys the best out of the country's resources. I eat the best food, and take the best ride to work, and go watch the best movies at the best cinemas, and buy good expensive clothes. I am not Egyptian. I am a minority.

I don't go around searching for food in garbage cans. I don't go watch a movie with Tamer Hosny starring in it. Or another named "3al2et moot". I don't wear so many unmatching colors and glittery things. I don't ride the metro, and I don't take the public bus. I don't eat ta3meya every day and I don't love Kushary El Tahrir. I am simply not part of this country. I was born here but never lived like any of it's people. And it's not just me, it's all my friends living in my same circumstances and getting their education at the best international schools and ending up non-egyptian just like me.

I was always thinking, "why would any person go watch the ridiculous movies that the Egyptian cinema produces every single year?". But the exhibit answered my question. People need something to make them smile and forget. Something that would ease their pain and doesnt remind them of the continuous shit they are going through. Something they; simple & uneducated people, can understand and grasp. And the money of those people goes to Tamer Hosny, Hamada Helal, and Ramez Galal...