What is love?

The twinkle in his eyes.

The big smile he gives me.

The butterflies I get.

Is it the fact that he holds me everywhere?

Is it the handholding? The security and comfort I feel when he's around.

Maybe its when I really miss him and realise that he misses me back.

Maybe its when he takes my breath away.

Maybe its when I would do anything to make him happy and see him smiling.

Or could it be when I do my best to remove the sadness away from him.
Or maybe its when he gets me flowers to say that he's sorry.

Its also when we have long conversations about things that nobody knows but us.

And when we plan our everything together and make sacrifices to be with each other.

Or when we ride the car together silent, saying nothing, just enjoying being together.

Or when I dont care about any man, cause I have the best one of them all.

Its when I feel jealous of all the girls he might be talking to.

And when I do my best to look good for him so that he doesnt want any other girl.

Its when I realise he is my child, the father of my children, my friend, my love, my world.

Its when I cant wait for our life together to start.

Its when I know that no matter what happens, I will still want to be his.

What is love? Its a mixture of feelings you have towards someone, whom you decide is to be your life time partner. Its all of the above and more.

I wish I was a boy!

At least I wouldnt be discriminated against.
At least I wont have people starring at my chest or my behind.
At least I wouldnt have to shave my whole body.
At least I wouldnt be having parents resitricting me from travelling or pursuing my life the way I want it to be..

At least I would do whatever without being looked at by society as unbehaved, bitch, or bold.
At least I would be loved and appreciated by my female boss.
At least I would be loved and looked highly upon by the patriarchal society i'm living in.
At least I wouldnt be scared of rape or physical harrassment.
At least I woudnt have trouble with issues like virginity, honor, dignity, and all other cultural issues that have to do with women. If a man goes sleeping with all the women in the country he would be seen as "saye3 and experienced" and when he gets married, he is recognised as "rabena hadah" (he's blessed by God). And his past is usually all gone. But if a woman is known to be having sex, she is a whore and is not expected to get married. Although our religion treats adultry in the same way with the same punishment, our society favors men over women.

I wish I was a boy, at least I would understand what women want. I would respect their feelings, understand their mood swings, their emotionality, their insecurities and fear. I wish I was a boy, I would have taken care of my partner, hugged her whenever I could and always made her know how gorgeous she is.

I wish I was a boy, to be able to deal with the outter world filled with jerks, and opportunists. I wouldnt have been all fragile, naiive and sensitive. I wouldnt have been responsible for the kids, the house, the shopping, the groceries, the decisions, the husband.

At least, I wouldnt face all the shit that comes with menstruation and its hectic cycle.

I want to be a boy for crying out loud.

I was flying
Over the moon
I wasnt driving, I was flying...
Singing and dancing on my way home.
I was happy. Finally HAPPY.
I bought chocolate for all the house members.
I wanted to celebrate my happiness. I AM HAPPY.

Came home to find my mum and dad waiting for me to give me a lesson.
I wasnt late. My curfew is 10:30 and I came home at 9:30.
Dad started lecturing me that I shouldnt be seeing him till we get married.
He said that according to religion, I have to see him once a week at our house with everyone around. I shouldnt be going out with him that much or be alone with him.
He started breaking my heart and ruining every single feeling of happiness I had deep inside.
And although he used to see mum when they were engaged every single day, he assured me that I'm not allowed to do so because I have a pious father who doesnt want to disobey God and wants me to obey as well.

He told me that engagement is not for me to have fun, its for me to get ready for marriage. It doesnt mean going out, having fun, falling in love.

Then he started hurting me even more by telling me that I'm fragile, naiive, emotional and all "madloo2a" and he is doing all that to protect me from harm and he doesnt want to see me sad.

So here I am again, totally upset and enraged.
I feel like there is a big stone in my throat and I cant simply swallow it.
I feel helpless.

Positive attitude for a change

I'm always concerned with so many things that could ruin your mood or your whole day in general. Traffic jam, demanding boss, a sister messing up the room, etc. But I never considered focusing on the bright side of this world. I'm always angry at this life, when we all know for a fact we were created to be unhappy somehow.

So this morning I decided to look at the things that make me feel good or make life good. I decided to provide myself with positive energy and attitude for a change.

Let's start with the best thing in the world, which is seeing my baby. He is awesomely cute and seeing him smile is more than enough to make my day. His calling me every morning, his calling me before I go to bed, his telling me that he loves me, is all I could need to make my life great. I would do anything in this world to see him smile and I am so happy I have him there for me. He is the most important component of my world. I would have to say that sharing everything with him makes my life a happy one.

Chocolate is the best treat as well as ice-cream. I mean a world without chocolate and ice cream is like going to hell. It is a mood lifter, it is so sweet and so good tasting and so satisfying. I guess that’s why when I'm on a diet, I feel so depressed.

Having great parents that are always there for me is a blessing. I mean going home to find them safe and healthy, waiting for me to tell them how my day went and being there for me all the time is just enough to make this life just great.

Good friends are rare. And having even one good friend is more than enough to make you feel that the world is good. I'm not the kind of person who has a million good friends, but the good ones I have are more than enough to make my life good and livable.

Having a job and being able to pay my bills is another major factor of making this world a good one. I mean, the fact that you can eat, drink, wear clothes, sleep, be healthy, or even provide yourself with healthcare when needed should give one some positive attitude about ones life. Like Maslow's pyramid taught us, satisfying the needs are enough to make life a better one.

So one shouldn’t be angry all the time, because at least we can have the basics, which others are deprived of.

I'm thankful today.

Perfect!

What does it mean?
In my religion, we can only describe God as "perfect".
In that sense, it means no flaws. But can anything be perfect?
May be perfect for you as a person, but it doesnt mean that it can be perfect for everybody else.
And can anyone be described as perfect?

What about perfection? Perfectionism?
I mean, how do people who believe in perfection actually live on this planet?
I realised that in some cases, I can be a perfectionist.

If you believe in being perfect, then you really want yourself to be everything good.
You want to be thin, stylish, lovable, behaved, punctual, fun to be with, smart, knowledgeable, you name it.
But wouldnt it be really hectic to try to be everything including things that you're not?
Wouldnt it be sad that you sometimes can fail in the eyes of yourself when it are unable to be or do something? I mean its a killer to always try to be "perfect" cause no one can be perfect.

Maybe that is the reason why I'm always no feeling good about myself.
I always try hard not to be me. Maybe being me is just the best I can do.

I seem to be the jealous type. I cant really prevent being jealous, so what I always do it keep this jealousy to myself. And when I hide it, I usually torture myself. Then why the hell should I try to change something in me. I should be accepting of who I am. Why do I usually accept people the way they are and never accept me? And if I count the many other things that I really dont like about myself, or the things I want to change I would find out that if I do work on them, I will become someone else I'm not and maybe ruin my life one way or another. As long as the issues are not fatal, then why am I so worried and concerned in the first place!

Accepting onself is a great gift. Its a sign of being a healthy and happy person.
And I would really like to start accepting who I am.

Am I blind?!

Another weird state..
I would actually call it a weird situation.
I cant define the way I felt. But I have to admit I felt weird.
Not jealous, not sad. Maybe worried. I guess I was scared actually.
I was in a competition.
Actually, I cannot say I was in a competition because there was nothing to compete for. And even if there was a competition, the end results states that I won the competition already.

I felt like I'm being tested. But I really wasn't.
I felt weird. I felt like I was being monitored somehow. And in the same time, I felt like I'm trying to discover something. I'm trying to reveal something hidden. But is there really something hidden?

I just felt weird. Laughing and smiling and talking, but weird. I was weird and I was hoping it doesnt show in my eyes how weird I felt.
I felt out of place all of a sudden. I didnt feel home anymore.
I wasnt sad, but had some feelings of bitterness.
Actually, bitter is a very strong word. Lets just say that I was looking for some things to prove myself wrong.
I was worried all day. Dont know what to eat, what to wear, how to act, how to talk, I wanted to leave an impression, but in the same time I wanted to be cool and normal. I wanted to open my eyes to certain things, but apparently, I found nothing.

Maybe there is nothing to be found. And maybe there is something, but I'm not smart enough to find it.

Maybe I'm just being worrisome and pessimistic. And maybe I'm going blind again.

I hate the way I look.
I'm a pig walking on two legs.
I eat like a pig, I look like a pig, and probably sooner or later I will be acting like one.

What is wrong with me?
I dont have the will to go on a diet anymore.
I'm all into chocolate and sweets.
I hate eating salad and fruits and brown bread.
I hate eating tuna, vegetables, and grilled stuff..
I want to eat pasta and chocolate. The best treats in the world.

But I hate the way I look.
I hate the belly and the big boobs.. I hate their getting all large just because I gained 2 kilos of weight.
I have to get rid of them before it gets even worse.
I need to end this pig state of being and turn into a normal person again..

Please, could somebody tell me where did my "Will" go??

His eyes.. They take my breathe away!!

He gave me the look..

Not just did I fall, I felt some weakness in my knees, butterflies in my stomach, faster heartbeats.. I couldnt resist that look. His eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world.

I was so close to him. He was sitting and I was standing by his side. He was holding me with one arm and my arm was around his shoulder. I was looking down into his eyes, and he was giving me this very intimate smile. He was so irresistible. He was so adorable, so loving, and so damn cute...

His eyes... Oh My GOD!! I can't resist them. His look makes me fall for him.. They are so deep. When he looks into my eyes, it's as if he's hugging me, I dive in their beauty, I fall in their warmth. His eyes.. His eyes says so many things. It says "I love you", it says "I miss you", it says "I'm so sexy", it says "I want to make you happy", it says the cutest things and the most seducing things...

Oh God baby you drive me nuts.

You make me love you more everyday.. You make me respect you more, cherish you more, and stick to you even more..

Baby, I love you.

And I'm the happiest person because I'm yours.

Yours,

Baby :D

Dad.. The father-in-law

Jealousy has always been my source of trouble.

My dad is jealous. And with that comes hard time, problems, worries, basically trouble.

Supposedly, we're in the marriage preparation phase. My father happens to be an interior designer with great taste. But the thing is, he doesnt want to help me out. He doesnt want to do it. He doesnt want me to get married (he wants me to get married of course, but deep inside, he doesnt want me to leave, doesnt want me to belong to someone else). With those feelings at the back of his head, you can imagine the rest.

He only wants me to see my fiance' twice a week. He doesnt want me to go furniture shopping with him or plan the apartment with him. He doesnt want me to talk to him over the phone. He doesnt want me to say that I love him. He doesnt say these things out loud, but I can see them in his continuous illogical reactions.

The other day, baby and I found the style we want and finally agreed on certain parts of our apartment. I thought Dad would be so helpful in actually doing everything for us at a cheaper price (since he has a furniture factory). And to my surprise, he was like "I dont want to get into trouble with anyone, just buy the things you want ready made and dont put me in this hassal". I was shocked. He was all weird again. He actually furnished all the houses of all my family members. And he is my father, my personal interior designer, my personal advisor, and he doesnt want to get into a hassal for me. That was actually a lil frustrating. What teases me even more is that he appears to be really nice to baby and his mum. He is always cooperative and willing to help with anything. But with me, he gives me the attitude.

I love him so much and I totally understand his jealousy feelings. But I simply need to have someone to help me out with the apartment. I need to finish it in time and get married. Wish Dad would really think and not act based on some emotions.

I'm totally frustrated from his attitude. I have to admit, I'm upset with him.

Tahrir square in the morning, and ahly celebrations at night..

Two days of working out of office. But this time, I have to park away from the place where I should be and walk through the famour Tahrir square for 10 minutes.

I've been in this place for more than 9 years now. My university is there and myoffice is there too. I've been through the streets, the underground, the fast food stores, the cafe's, the parking areas, the bus stops.. But since I bought the new car, I haven't been walking, especially downtown Cairo.

I found it depressing that nothing has changed.
The streets are the same, no rules followed, traffic jam, no right for pedestrians to cross the streets, you have to run through every single car to find your way to the other pavement across the street. You walk through people who are not well dressed, smelly, frowning, and unbehaved; actually yesterday, on my way back to the car, a guy riding a car actually called me "ya bashmohandessa" (engineer) and blew me a kiss.. Another gave me the lusty look. I get street harrassed when I'm actually veiled and the only things that show from me are my hands and face. Moreover, I usually never put make-up on, or walk slow. I walk like soldiers, wearing my "soldiers boots". Why on earth would anyone harass me when I'm not the "jiggly" Egyptian type?

I decided to walk down through the underground channels to avoid crossing the streets. However, I got shocked by the smell had to to breathe for the coming 7 minutes. Do people actually bathe? Do they have soap and shampoo? What is it that they're lacking? Is it deodorant? Has it become a luxury to own a deodorant stick? I know that the majority of the Egyptian population are poor. And I'm not being all classy and bourgeoisie, but I do ask people to bathe because cleanliness is important for health and for the health of others.

Yesterday, our Egyptian football "Ahly" team won the game with Cameroon and is going to Japan. All Egypt was celebrating the victory right after the match. They all wore red and they all had their car horns on the same beat. All shouting, singing, shooting fire from their mouths, blocking streets and preventing cars from crossing, and scaring the hell out of me. I'm glad we won, I'm also glad Egyptians are happy, because this is actually the only thing that makes Egyptians happy; winning football games. However, I always question their right of celebrating in the uncivilized way they usually do. I couldnt move in the crowded street of "Abas El Akkad" so I had to stay put, till the wild celebrations were over. People have gone official nuts. But I cant blame them. They have nothing else to make them happy. Everything in their world is a cause of worries.

I wonder who is to be blamed for whatever problem the people of this country are facing. The government is basically working to maintain itself and its president. How can a government work on making it better for the people, when its concern is not the people? Do ministers actually walk in these streets, take the underground? Cross the streets? Did our president move on those streets since he became president?

I'm a government employee. And for a second I thought, "I DID IT", I'm going to do something that would make this country better. I'm working on reforming the national budget process, making it account for the different needs of men and women. I thought that this would reallocate existing "scarce" resources and maybe satisfy the different needs of women and men, boys and girls. But will this project succeed in doing so? Will I ever be able to ever have even a little impact on this country and make a change? I doubt.

And as usual, at the end of all the worries, I get a call from my baby, and I forget about all what is in the outter world, and enter into my world with him. My happy world with him.

Break the silence.. Or hide from it

Moments of silence.
Sometimes they are ok and you can actually deal with them.
Other times they are intolerable, and you either want to break them or hide from them.
This time, I want to just hide from them. I have no idea why are they existing at that time..
Is there any reason behind their being? I mean is there something wrong? What did I do to make it exist in the first place.

Breaking it is even worse. You work hard to find something to say. And whatever you so is so redundant and repetitive. You keep searching for something. You keep trying to fight it.

It is kind of annoying.. Actually I would call it scary..
Sometimes it just being together and in silence, and it doesnt scare me at all.
Other times it becomes so scary. And today it was scary. I has been days with this silence existing. And I'm scared that there would be something behind its existence.

Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive.
But also I might be so boring, which is the reason behind the silence.
I guess I will never know. All I know is that I will hide from the silence.

Going nuts again!

I had a busy head on my way to work.

Couldnt unplug my head and stay in a state of nothingness like I aspired to.

Traffic was ridiculous as usual. "Salah Salem" was blocked like every single morning. It takes me an hour to go to work because of the jam I drive in every single morning. I'm tired of it already. I want to move out of this place. I want to move out of the whole country. I want to go somewhere nice. Somewhere more organized and disciplined. Why is it all so sofisticated and crowded?

I wake up every morning with a certain mood. Not a bad mood, nor a sad mood... I would rather call it a depressed mode of thought. I just wake up, wear anything without even looking at myself in the mirror. I dont wear accessories anymore. I dont wear makeup. I simply dont want to go there. I go to work, with a quite mode. Always having my face in the screen and not communicating with anyone. Just me, the music, the work, and that is basically it.

I stay in that mode even when i'm driving back home. I start smiling a litte bit as soon as I see my parents, specifically my father. I usually miss him more than any other member of the family. I like sleeping beside him in bed and telling him how my day went. I like it when he listens carefully and give me advice. I even like it when he reminds me of how stupid and naiive I can sometimes be. He is my protector, he is my father, my male figure. Although he is not the cozy, loving kind, he is the protecting and supportive kind. He is so experienced in every single situation in life. He knows all kinds of people, he tells me how to deal with every single one of them. I wish I can be like him one day.

My best friend is so far away. She is having a hard time alone. She is tired of being alone and tired of always being stuck with bad people. She is unhappy and unhealthy. I wish I could do something to her. I wish I could be there for her. I thought I was going to Qatar to attend a conference there this month, but unfortunately, it was cancelled, so I'm not seeing her. I wonder how is she doing??

I miss my baby. I didnt see him. I was supposed to have lunch with him today, but now that I have to attend this event at 7:30pm, I will not be able to see him. He is sick. He has a soar throat and a cold. He isnt feeling well. And I was wondering, do I make him happy? Do I satisfy his needs? Is he happy with me? I have no clue.

Im on a diet. My tumy has been a disaster lately. Im all swollen. I have to stop eating sweets. I have to stop eating everything. Ive been on this diet for almost a week, and its getting on my nerves. Why cant I be thin while eating everything I want to eat. I hate salad, I hate fruits, I hate grilled stuff. I'm all tired of it. I want CHOCOLATE.

I dont like myself. Ive been into a couple of tests lately, and I believe that I failed in them. I'm not smart enough. I'm not wise enough. I'm not good enough.

I'm going nuts.

Here we go again!

For some reason, I turned from a really weak person to a revolutionary one. Two days ago, I left work with tears in my eyes that I couldn’t hold and as soon as I saw my baby I started crying. I was so sad and humiliated. My boss was so rude to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. She has always been like that, but with me, I keep tolerating till I reach a peak where I can’t take it anymore.

So I cried. Baby was there listening to my crying and my complaints. He couldn’t help but hold me and tell me not to cry. Eventually I was quite and told him that I decided not to go to work for one day. I will just "not go". I wasn’t punishing my boss. I was just turning into a new person; someone who is not polite anymore. I decided to be an uneasy person. I shouldn’t be that kind and surrender to her insults and bad treatment like I always do. At least I should revolt in the least ways. And my way was not to go to work and hide from her. I sent her a message and an email blaming her for what she is always doing to me. But as usual, she didn’t feel anything and all she did was blame me for not going to work and being irresponsible. So I decided to accept her description of me as irresponsible. I decided to become the total opposite of what I am now. I shouldn’t finish my work on time. I shouldn’t go to work early or finish my assignments before their due date. I shouldn’t love her or care for her. I shouldn’t help her out or be wherever she wants me to be. I shouldn’t be nice and kind. I shouldn’t be all selfless. I shouldn’t love my job after all. I should be the total opposite of that. And I really hope she likes the new me.