Three days of complete sadness.
I’ve been disappointed and fed up of everything. My dad, my boss, my job, my baby is away, money, responsibilities, everything was basically bothering me. I spent three days crying, frowning, no make up, wearing the worst of clothes and I simply believed I was gonna die with that depression.

Then all of a sudden, and out of nowhere, my mum was like “why would you worry about anything when you have “him” by your side?”

She is right. Why am I even depressed? Everything ends, but he will be with me forever (isa). I mean what if he’s away for a long while, he will be coming back soon (isa). I love him and he is the best person ever. Why should I be sad when I have the best person ever, right by my side and committing himself to spending the rest of his life with me.

I mean, I know I’ve been traumatizing the situation. And I know I’ve been like that because he has been away for a long while now. But he is coming back soon isa for me. And that is what matters. It doesn’t matter that my dad is driving me nuts. Nor that my boss is the rudest creature on this planet. All that matters is him. He is all I want. He is just all, everything, and absolutely nothing compares to him.

Tomorrow is a new day, which I will start with a big smile, a nice outfit, some new make up and a new happy spirit because I have the best baby that a girl could dream of having.

I’m grateful and happy.

Have you ever been tired of your own existence?
Tired of everything going wrong and knowing that its all because of your own existence?

Have you ever felt loaded by your own self?
And tired of everything that has to do with you.
I hate the idea of me. The unbearable idea that I do have to be me for the coming life.

Have you ever hated everyone that is bothering you in your life? But the thing is, you hate them because of your own existence. You hate them because you're naiive and childish and weak. You hate their attitudes because of your own.

Have you ever had the worst nightmares in a row? You wake up every morning with a different bad dream. And you still believe that it is because of you. Everything is because of you.

Do you wake up everyday hating the fact that you have to go to your good paying job, just because it pays you well? Have you ever hated your boss so much that you wish every single day that she'd quit?

I have issues. I have serious issues. But who cares. They are mine and I should be dealing with them. I wish I had complete independence, not just from my father, but from my boss, my job, my government, the laws of this country and the whole world.

His voice was sad…
I couldn’t bear hearing this tone of voice…
He sounded bored, depressed, tired, and desperate to come back… And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I was out with my mum and sis. I was supposedly having fun. We went out shopping for my little sister. I wanted to buy her something new to wear. She was depressed and I wanted to cheer her up. And I actually did. But when I heard his voice, I forgot about the entire planet. And all I wanted was to hold him tight, and ease his misery. I wanted so much to make things easy on him and make him a little better, but he wasn’t responding to my failed trials. He just wanted to end the conversation and leave. Or may be I was boring for him, or reminded him even more of the situation he is in.

I hated myself, and wished I was there for him. Wished I had something to do about it. I also wished I was sitting back home when he called and then may be I would have had a better chance of making him feel better. But I wasn’t home. And I’m spending the night wondering how he is.

I miss him. I never thought that love was such a tricky feeling. When you love someone, you feel his happiness and pain. I was sad because I knew he was sad, although I was spending some good time with my family. But I still felt sad because he was sad. I felt sad that I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now. And although it’s painful, I find loving him to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I wait for him to call, I wait to hear his voice, his ringtone, I want to hold his hand, to hug him… I just wait for anything… And every single tiny thing he does or says means the whole world. I’m waiting for his smile. I can’t wait for him to come home.

I miss you!

I felt embaressed

Ashamed, happy and relieved..

Embaressed.. I am embaressed...

Am I too demanding? I always thought I was not like all girls. I'm independent & I know the meaning of concepts like working hard, earning money, paying bills, paying loans... I also had the priviledge of being the eldest of 4 brothers and sisters, so I knew all about financial problems, responsibilities, obligations and how to deal with them. I tried them all, and survived them all (EHL).. I consider myself a lucky child. Everything I ever wished for came true.

But I was still embaressed and ashamed...

I didn't know how to be thankful anymore. I had to let it out, and I did. I complained and confessed. I said things I shouldnt have said, but I did. I need his support. I need him still. His role hasn't ended yet. He still has a role here. But he is escaping it. Or maybe he is unable to fulfill it. Or maybe even demanding that role and right makes me a demanding person. I know that many people don't have what I have, but others do.

I believe I'm not asking for too much. I have always been modest when it comes to requesting things. But maybe I'm wrong. And maybe I'm just right...

I never thought I would be that weird.
I’m tense. And this attitude increases every single day.
He is not here. I thought I would be ok. But I am not. I am never ok.
I am always sick when he’s not there.
Everyday is just as boring and meaningless as the day before because he’s not here.
And even though I don’t get to see him everyday when he’s home, at least I look up to seeing him. At least I know I can pass by any time and find him there.
I am so freaked out.
Every night I feel so depressed and start crying subconsciously.
Why am I like that? Always sad and always fragile when he’s gone?
I never knew that I loved him that much. I never knew that he meant all that much to me. I never understood my feelings for him till this awful week had passed.
Living without him is like living in misery. It’s so painful. I’m serious, it is painful. It is a killer. I want him back home. I really want him back home.
Everything is all tasteless and boring without him.
Nothing makes me happy but him. Not my family, nor friends, not even achieving something I was dying for, or going out shopping for everything I always wanted. It’s just him that I want, and all the happiness belongs to him. He is the smile, the laugh, the love, the world…
I never thought I would love anyone that much. And although he calls me a million times a day, I still feel sad and alone without him.

Yesterday, I went to see his mum. I entered his house and he wasn’t there. He really wasn’t there. The house was so dull. I couldn’t take it. I wanted him back home. And when his mum and grandma started saying all the nice things about him, I was about to cry. I miss him and a week is so much more than I can bear.

I’m counting the days, waiting every single day for him to tell me that he’s on his way home. But he doesn’t. A week is so much for me. And another week would be deadly. Am I being all childish as usual? Or is this what they call “love”? I am deeply attached to him.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t be like that and I should be encouraging him to excel at his job and do his best. But I can’t hide my emotions. I can’t stop feeling sad that he’s gone.

I miss him
I miss everything about him..
I miss his smile
I miss his raising his eyebrow jokingly in a way to make me sympathize with his cause..
I miss his lowering his lower lip to make realize he’s sad..
I miss his laugh…
I miss his whispering in my ears “I love you”…
I miss his hands holding mine…
I miss his smell, his stare, his warmth…
I miss his hugging me tight…
I miss his tickling me and making me scream from laughter…
I miss his touch, his being close to me, his breathing close to mine…
I miss the fire I feel inside when he’s close to me…
I miss him and it’s driving me crazy…

I’m aching deep inside. It hurts to have him away for so long
I feel so small, so alone, so sad, so incomplete without him… His phone call is the only thing I look up to during the day. And when he calls, it’s like my life is back, my soul is back in my body… I miss him that it hurts… OMG, I’m in pain… My heart is actually aching… It’s like I have this big lump in my chest…

He should be here… He should come back by now…
Those past 5 days have been like hell to me… And all I think of is having him back in my arms and never letting him go ever again…

OMG, I want him so much to come back home.
I found myself helpless, not knowing what to do to get out of this wreck… So I decided to break my diet and eat fries and burgers. And although I felt some relief since I’ve been eating salad only for the past week, still I felt sad cause nothing in this world can make me happy the way he does. Nothing in this world can replace him. Nothing in this world is as important to me as he is. And all I want is to have him back in my arms, in bed, in our room, alone, and cry my eyes out asking him never to leave me again…

OMG baby, come back already :(

On my way to work, I decided to park the car and go walking in the streets of down town Cairo.
I figured out that I should treat myself.
Had this urge to feel good, so I did walk to the streets of my university, where I spent 7 years of my life learning. I went to cilantro to get my favorite cup of coffee; my treat..

"Latte' skimmed milk please" was my request, and to my surprise, the cilantro guy remembered me, and gave me this big smile. While stirring my cup, the guy noticed my engagement ring and congratulated me for the engagement. His smile and good attitude made my day. And then I realised I needed to feel loved again.

For all my life I've been loved by everyone. I was never a hated person. But now, I feel hated. Although from a few people, but I still feel like I can be hated. I didnt want to go back to work where I will meet the boss who hates me and the colleague who bugs me. I wanted to stay at cilantro and maybe work from there. From a place where I belong and feel safe. I missed feeling secure.

But then I thought, maybe my boss hates me and is driving me nuts day and night, but on the other side the most beautiful thing happened to me; I got engaged to the most beautiful man on this planet earth. A man I love, care for, cherish, and adore. So why should I worry about her and the job when they are not even a priority in my life? Why worry when I have him by my side. And only then I started to smile. I enjoyed the walk in the chilly weather and enjoyed drinking my skinny latte'.

He then called me, and in his voice I felt the love we had for each other growing stronger. He said the most adorable words. His statements touched me, and made me the happiest person alive. I knew right then and there that I will be happy for the rest of my life (ISA)... And I also knew that I won't worry about anything as long as he's by my side.

To my dear boss, who won't have the priviledge of reading this.

After working with you for almost four years, I have to admit, you were successful at making me hate my job. You taught me how to hate you and hate the job I've always dreamed of having.

Your attitude makes me just forget any favor you have done for me or anything that you have done to make me a better person.

I hate your jealousy, your bad attitude, your contradictions, and your insecurities.

Today, you were so rude to me over the phone. Asking me to pay a sum of money to attend a course that I have to pay from my own salary; which you believe is too much for me to earn and you always remind me of it as if I dont know the sum I earn every month, and you make me feel like I'm an ignorant and unqualified person, although I'm now in the process of applying for my PhD.

You also deprived me of attending a conference I was invited to and was dying to attend, claiming that i need to be in the office to finish some work.

I have to thank you for succeeding in making me seek leaving my job and finding some other place with more decent people and better work environment. Thank you for making me believe that working with a woman manager is the worst thing in the world. Thank you for making me lose trust in you and feel insecure most of the time. Thank you for every single tear or anger you caused me because of your ill treatment.

I hope I find a better job and prove to you and everyone like you what I really deserve.

I'm in love
Head over heals
I'm tangled up
I'm attached, addicted, I'm in love..

I can't tolerate the distance. I can't imagine his leaving.. I can't endure his being away..
I feel scared.. or maybe worried.. sad? I know what I feel.. I feel terrified at the thought of him being away.. I'm all childish.. I'm all tangled up.. I don't want him to leave.. Actually, even my leaving is hard as well.. I hate the distance.. I hate his living an hour away from me, so how would I tolerate the idea that he can be even more distant?

Am I too possessive? Am I obssessed with him? Does he hate me for the way I feel? Do I pressurise him with wanting him that much? Do I burden him with my needing him?

I love him..
I have to admit that I never loved anyone in the world like I love him..
I'm all tears knowing that he is leaving tomorrow morning.. And I am surely ashamed of myself.. I feel like a child and I hope I stop this childish attitude of mine..
I love him so much.. I love him and I don't want him to leave.. I love him and it's killing me that he's going somewhere far, dangerous and where I might not be able to reach him, even through phone..

Baby don't be late.. I miss you already

Marriage War!

To all girls out there, marriage is like war

You get to live a war of families, a war of in-laws, a war within the family itself, and a special war with the father of the bride.. My father!

For a second I realised how controlled my life is. Everything about the marriage is controlled by 6 or more people. Every decision I have to make is bound to being agreed upon by all the 6 people. I thought it was hard for just me and my partner to agree on a particular issue, but then I realised how tough it is to have the whole army agree on something.

The apartment is where the war began. I realised that every single detail is a source of debate, concern, fight, disagreement, and some sort of sadness at the end, because one of the 6 people have to sacrifice his ideas/power/control over the rest and accept an idea that is not his/hers.

What bothers me is that I feel controlled. Logically speaking, I'm the one who will be stuck in this apartment forever, so it should be me and my partner deciding on everything. But the parents tend to forget that matter, and start imposing their ideas and forcing us into them and I know that in the end, I will be living in a place with a million things that I really hate.

Should I be concerned? Should I worry? Should I be enraged? I should of course, but will I be heard? Of course not. And I simply have to keep the war going so that I end up married. The apartment is one issue in the war of marriage and going on with the rest of the list means I'm gonna die by the end of the engagement period.

The father of the bride is a completely different and difficult war. And his war is a killer. He is my main source of misery and pain. His jealousy is different compared to any of the other members of the war. He tends to make me feel like I will do it all by myself. I don't belong to him anymore because I chose a guy that will take me from him. He sees me as the most precious thing he's got and he simply doesn't accept the idea of letting me go. And accordingly, he is showing no interest or concern in anything but controlling my life. Not the normal control, an even worse one. I feel like I'm a teenager all over again and he is raising me from scratch. Yesterday, I was fed up of his negativity. I was fed up of his not being concerned. I was fed up of his being upset about things going on in the apartment that he doesnt like. I was fed up of his not doing anything for me to make this marriage work. He is either fighting with me (and only me) or keeping quite and passive. He is either so controlling and jealous in a freaky way, or leaving me deal with the hassle all by myself.

Besides that, I have the mother of the groom, who is obviously so hard to please. She seems to be just like my father, controlling and freaked out that her son is going to leave soon. And since I have to make her "like" me, it takes a deadly effort that is usually a failure. And since I am always feeling like a theif, I have to prove otherwise. It's a killer to realise how "you" can be the source of all the war. And in order to reach the goal, you have to live every single moment of that war.

I am sometimes tolerant of such nonesense. But other times, I burst in tears knowing that no one will ever hear me. Yesterday, I was so out of love with my father, crying my eyes out from his childish acts and passivity. And the deadly news was when I realised that I'm the only one living and affected by this mess. I'm the bride who should be happy that she's getting married, but the war is all I can see. The only happiness I encounter is when we're alone; just me and him alone.

"SIGH"

Tell me, ya Om El Donia, what is it that you want from me?
I've been living on your land for almost 27 years now and I still don't understand the mentality of your people.
I've been brought up in a religious house, where prayer and wearing the veil are the main pillars. We were taught to obey, to respect, to be honest, never to lie, and to work hard. I was also taught to deal with the opposite sex in a certain manner. My father always forbade me from going out with my guy friends, talking to them over the phone and creating any kind of close friendship with them. In the same time, I was in a mixed school for all my life. And not just any mixed school, it was one of the very famous "open-minded" schools in Cairo. Then, I was lucky enough to be a student and a graduate of the American University in Cairo, which is famous in Egypt for it's unbehaved students and attitudes. I saw people (males and females) hugging, kissing, making out, wearing revealing clothes, flirting with professors, dating at the age of 11.

And since my home was a strict one, I never dated and I was forced to wear the veil on my 12th birthday. I remember that day, all my friends went to the pool together (boys and girls) and I went with them, but my dad wouldnt allow me to wear a bathing suit and swim with them cause there were boys. And at 8pm on that day, I wore the veil. And he gave me then LE 100 as a prize for being a good girl.

The first time I called a guy over the phone was when I first had my cell phone. I was 17 yrs old by then. I never had a boy friend. The first true failed relationship I had was when I was 22 yrs old. I was too old to know whats wrong and whats right. I went out with him like 4 to 5 times in a whole year and that was it. I was so scared of being seen in public, although all my friends were used to dating and all these things. But I was never introduced to this world of relationships.

And when I finally, at the age of 26, got OFFICIALLY engaged, wearing an engagement ring, and going out in public with my official fiance', I realise that the public does not accept "ME" in particular and my fiance holding hands or sitting close to each other in a cafe.

Yesterday, I was in one of the famous cafes in Cairo, sitting with my finance, each on a separate chair, but the chairs where by each other's side, and he was holding my hand. And after ordering, the waiter called my fiance, and asked us to sit in a more "decent" way because people are complaining.

I felt oppressed. The whole society is unfair to me. When I am finally in a relationship that is Official, they still accuse me of things that I don't do. And all I see everywhere, are people holding hands, hugging, wearing the worst of clothes, having the worst behavior and attitude, and the society still tyrannizes ME. I hate Egyptians. They seem to annoy people holding hands, but refuse to believe that Egypt has gays and lesbians and hookers. I hate you all Egyptians. You seem to contradict yourself. And I have to blame my parents for the confusion I am facing right now. I don't know who I am. Am I the religious behaved girl? Or the one who got kicked out of a cafe by some nobody because of misbehaving by holding my fiance's hand?

You betrayed me ya "Om el Donia" and I am so ashamed of you..