It didn't feel like home.
I was not excited anymore about anything. I felt alienated all of a sudden.
Was not happy. But also wasn't sad. Was ok. Felt like I'm going because I have to go.
It felt weird.

I felt so down, so in need to cry my eyes out.

I didn't feel like I belong to this place. And I don't belong there either. I belong to the space inbetween. I belong to the concepts of packing, moving and waiting.

I was filled with unexplainable fury. I was filled with uncomfort and silence. I had nothing to say. Actually, I had a lot to say, but I couldn't talk. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to be alone. I still feel like being alone.

I cried my eyes out. I cried till I fell asleep. I needed to let out the pressure. I was frustrated and disappointed. I am still frustrated.

I feel lonely. I feel unsettled. I am tired. I am selfish. I am a bad mother.

I hate this place.
It is over crowded, it is tiny, it's dirty, its loaded with insects, its broken all over and its not my place anymore. I don't like living here anymore. I don't belong here. And I am not welcomed.

She has always been a pain in the ass. I tolerated all her silliness, messiness and abuse for years. And she still doesn't have a single bit of sensitivity or gratefulness. She will never stop being selfish and rude. She will never change.

I don't like it here. And I don't like that I am so unsettled. I want to go back to my safe place. My place of tranquility and comfort. I hate it here. I hate being here. I hate coming here. I hate that I have to do everything with limits and restrictions.

I can't feel comfortable anymore. I can't feel like I'm home. I really want to go home. I want to have the courage to just leave.

Confessions

I am an Egyptian
I used to work in the Egyptian government that was denounced last year.
I am proud I used to work there. I love the Minister I used to work with. I liked all the decisions, laws, and regulations he implemented. I admire his achievements, character, enthusiasm and knowledge. I still believe in him. I love everyone that used to work with him and for him. I used to belong to the old regime.

I never hated our "used to be" President. But I hated the fact that he wanted to 'grant' the presidency of my country to his son. I also hated when he blocked all the streets so that he can go somewhere.

I hated the revolution, not because they removed the president, but because there were smugglers, thieves everywhere. I hated it when the protesters stayed in Tahrir even after the late president announced that he will leave in September.

I hated when people died in Tahrir. I hated it because I knew how their parents and families felt hearing the news and living with it everyday. I put myself in their shoes and it scares me every night before I sleep that I would wake up one day realizing that I lost someone close to my heart.

I hated the revolution because it denounced the Police and the Army. I am not fond of BOTH. And I am sure that both were the reason for the torture and killing of so many innocent people. But I am against the chaos we are living in now. I am against the lack of security. I hate that I have to drive every day worrying that I might die and leave my one year old son behind. I am always afraid that I lose my husband who travels a lot because of work. I am always scared that someone would break into our house, kill us and steal everything. I am scared at the mall that someone would kidnap my son. I am scared 24/7. And trust me, it is the worst feeling ever, to feel unsafe in your own home, car, neighborhood, country.

I hate the 6th of April movement and I totally believe they are traitors and are the reason for all this mess.

I hate the Army because they are not doing anything about the 6th of April movement.

I voted "Yes" for making amendments to the constitution. And I voted for the 'Freedom & Justice" party in Parliament and I made those choices voluntarily. I am no part of the MB, but I liked their program and I am hoping that they would change my country to the better.

I hated when people were against me when I voted for F&J, because they made me feel like I am a bad person, when they should just accept my choice.

I don't like that people are still protesting and I don't like that many of them are dying because of those protesters, and I would really hope they'd all go home and we'd elect our new president in June peacefully. I believe in democracy, freedom, and choice, but I don't like people burning buildings, books, human beings, and history. Mubarak will still be our president in history, even if we change the name of the metro station or destroy things that have his name on them. History will not delete him. So stop ruining things.

I love Christians. I always had Christian friends and colleagues. And their having a different religion from mine doesn't mean that they are bad or wrong. We both worship God differently.

I was happy when I watched the first parliament meeting. I was happy when I heard the speech of the president of the parliament. I mean, I elected this parliament. It is the first elected parliament. I should be happy and proud right?

I hate that people are always insulting each other; I hate all the jokes and insults on facebook directed to MB and Salafis. Begad 3eeb w kefaya. Didn't we have free elections? Why the hell are you still insulting them. The people elected them freely, so shut the hell up and accommodate.

I hate the Americans and the Israelis and I believe that they are the main players in this filthy game that is messing up my country and messed up Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, and Yemen (Hope I didn't forget the rest of the countries in the region).

I was in total shock when I heard about the killings of Port Said. 71 people died for no reason at all. And all I could think of, where is the army? Where is the police? Where is justice?

I hate the Civil Disobedience initiative that everyone is so obsessed about because if people didn't work, then they don't deserve their salaries. Then we won't find bread to eat, we won't find water to drink, or electricity, or someone to collect our garbage or clean up our houses, streets and offices. We won't find someone to sell us groceries, or put us cash in the ATM machines, or protect our homes and offices. There will be no doctors to cure us, no pharmacies to sell us meds, and list goes on forever.

I am waiting for the presidential elections. Can't wait to finally feel secure again. Yes, security is the ONLY thing I want right now. I am selfish and I want everyone to be safe and I don't want to hear anymore about killings or kidnappings.

I am sorry if my opinion offends you, but it is my opinion and I am not imposing it on anyone.

I made a choice after some thinking, reading and praying. And I thought this choice is the best in my own opinion and way of thinking and limited background.And I am being attacked for it and I suppose I will be for some time.

I thought democracy meant making your own choice and people accepting that choice because its yours. Like wise, I would accept their choices, views and ways of thinking. This is tolerance I suppose. This is democracy right? Or parts of the concept of democracy.

I feel attacked, alienated, and looked at in certain ways that don't make me feel comfortable. I am not an extremist. But even if I was, people should respect that. This is me and it doesn't make me different from anyone in the world. I have my own beliefs and thoughts and they sure make me happy and make me the way I am. As long as I am not hurting anyone or breaking rules, then I am free right?

I shouldn't feel alienated, actually I should feel proud. I took a decision on my own and made a choice on my own for the first time in my life.

I am 30 and I think its time for me to believe in myself and my abilities. And if they don't like me, its their problem not mine. I shouldn't work on pleasing anyone.
I've lived all my life trying to please everyone and make all happy. And I think its time for me to stop.

This is me. As long as I am not affecting you in any negative way, please give me the level of respect and tolerance I deserve.

Thank you

Chaos is the rule

Complete chaos.
Total destruction.
The worst government that could ever rule a country, especially in such a critical state. The government is so weak, and obviously, the chaotic Egyptians can only be ruled by fear. They have to fear the government, the law, the punishment, the consequences.

And since they fear nothing, they are destroying it.
Where are the people who initiated the sacred revolution? They left it to this ignorant chaotic population. Why didn't we elect a president fast so that we don't fall into this mess. Are we turning into Iraq? Are we soon going to turn into thieves or run out of the country in fear? Is it really a conspiracy? Are there real spies whose aim is to destroy Egypt?

What is wrong with a Christian wanting to build a church? What is wrong with being of a different religion and living in the same country together. We have been like that for ages. What happened? The only difference between Muslims and Christians is the way they worship God. And who the hell cares? This is something personal and private. Everyone should have the freedom to choose his faith and practice his religion the way he pleases.

And what is with all the people wanting more money without working in the first place. All forms of workers demanded higher salaries; do you even do your job properly to demand such a thing? Does any of those Egyptians understand the concept of competition? Performance appraisal? tayeb job description? I didn't think so...

So here you go, a lazy population, living in a country without rules, a very weak government, military and police force, and most of it's people don't have values, principles or ethics. They are all politically ignorant, living below the poverty line, they have nothing to worry about and nothing to lose. So to hell with the whole country...

Mabrook shabab el thawra, the country is in chaos. And I am sure this will turn into a civil war.

Shut the HELL up!
Leave me alone..

I want to be alone.
I want my own time, freedom, and mind. I want my heart, my life, and money. I want me.

Where did I go? I see myself disappear more and more... I am tired.
I want to sleep. I want to eat a hot meal. I want to get whatever I feel like getting without feeling guilty or scared.

I am bored. So bored.

I want to breathe. I want to escape.
I want to go home. I really want to go home. I want to shower forever and sleep like never before.

I really want to get out of here...

Grey
Cylindrical
Undefined
Weird in a number of ways...

Not as planned. Not appealing anymore.
And you never stop dreaming of something better, so far away.

A cycle. A sick cycle...
Time flies. No achievements.
What's the point anyway...

Change? How?
Change? When?

Change! Is that even applicable?!

And what makes your day is a hot cup of coffee or a smile from a total stranger.