Husband! My Husband :D

My Husband.
Husband! Husband?

What does the word mean?
Today, I felt for the first time, that He is my husband.
His holding my hand felt different this time. His arms around me and his presence felt weird and different. He is my Husband.

I kept looking at his hand holding mine and felt like, I'm his.
Ive been saving myself for him. And now, I'm all his.
I belong to him. He can see me, touch me, hold me, and I'm to be supported and protected by him.
I will take care of him, love him, be good and beautiful for him, I will obey and share everything with him. I "belong" to him.

I felt great. I felt again so calm, so happy, so secure. He is my Husband and I am his.
I will wake up by his side. I will allow him into a world I've been keeping just for him.
And I'm so happy and grateful that God granted me with such an amazing Husband.
He deserves even more than what I have to give.

I love him. I never thought I'd love anyone that much.
Today, I realised how attached I am to him. I'm addicted to him. And my being away from him makes me ache. I belong to him, and I love him more every single day.
I'm thankful and Happy :D

You are there but Never there!

Alone. Not in the "loneliness sense"..
I have a partner and a family as well as friends.
Alone in the sense that, I'm doing it on my own.

I have no back up, no support, I cant lean on him or depend on him in any sense of the word.
Its not like I need anything from him, I know I can do it on my own.
I know I dont need him or anything.
I know I can be totally independent.
I know I'm capable of doing it alone.
But I also know that like all girls, I need him.
The protector, the supporter, the manhood in my life..
Why am I all concerned about the issue when I know for sure that he has nothing to do about it.
He has been helpless for ages now. And all I can do is pray God to help him.
Sometimes my prayers are answered, and sometimes they are a little late. But I know they're for the best.

I also know that I shouldnt be feeling that way. I should be more understanding.
But I simply can't. I'm always worried and sad that I'm not like them all. I'm all by myself although he is here. But he is not there for me anymore.
He always claims that I shouldnt be feeling that way. Making me feel like I'm mistaken. Making me feel like I can't do anything without him. But the truth is, I am well and capable of doing everything without him, because he is there, but never there.

Congratulations Americans! I envy you!!

Congratulations Americans for having Obama
I envy all of you because you have the luxury of choosing your president.
I also envy you because you belong to the advanced part of the world and I dont.
Your passport makes you go anywhere and do whatever.
Your country is a mass production economy, so you have cheap products, in wide varieties, and from all over the world.
You have the best education, your streets are organized and clean, your air is fresh, and your people smile because they don't have as much worried as our people.

I envy you because you have the right to pick your own president and be happy at his inauguration. But us! We have to say yes because we have no other choice. We don't have educated that can take up the place of a president, and even if we do, we're a dictatorship, a hidden monarchy. I've only seen one president since I was born, and I'm afraid I'm going to die having the same president ruling my undeveloped country. But my American cousins, they've seen like 5 to 6 different presidents, and had the right to elect them.

I envy you because your president is so eloquent and well educated. I envy you because you had a great inauguration celebration, with all citizens attending and enjoying the event. In our case, they close all Cairo and make our lives a living misery. I envy you because your president just made a great speech that he would fulfill, but our speeches are usually just speeches, because there is no use in developing our dead economy.

I envy you because your president rules the entire planet, not just the U.S. And I envy you because all the world watches your president become president.

I'm happy for you because I really like Obama. And I hope he rules the world in a better way than the previous world presidents. I hope he ends war, and really establish peace on the planet. I hope.

Breathing fast
Breathing loud
closing eyes..
Getting closer..
The unforgetable touch.. An irresistible touch..
A touch that makes the heart beat faster.. And the body gets hot and wild..
Love rushes to the chest.. And breathing is ever faster and louder..

Closer.. Even closer..
Warmth, affection, and love..
Lots of love.. Love is a very trivial word. Its more than just love.
And I get lost.. Entering a world of extreme love and affection.
A world of ours that consists of just us, in love, happy, and together.

I never understood the beautiful meanings of the words home, together, and us..
And I never felt this feeling of loss I get when he's around and close to me.
I love him, and everytime he's around I feel so deeply in need of lying inside him and closing my eyes cause I'm finally "home".

He's my happiness, my entire universe.
Everytime he smiles at me, I feel like I am the happiest person alive, and everytime he touches me, I know I own the entire universe. I love him.

When he's there, I lose my mind and only have a heart that beats only for his existence.
When he's there, I know that I will never be "alone" again. I love him.

I miss him. I miss him even when he's holding me tight.
I love him, and will love him forever.

A Woman Seeking Perfection!

Since there is nothing in this world perfect, why do I insist on being all perfect?
No one can ever be perfect. Human beings are not born to be perfect. They are there to make mistakes and to regret and to be incomplete.

I'm always concerned with being beautiful, thin, honest, truthful, make no mistakes. I also try not to be a jealous, nagging, and worried women, which is truly against the normal female nature. I try to be all nice, warm, friendly. Generous, giving, kind, and open-minded. I always try to be everything nice. But no one can ever be everything nice.

Whats wrong with making mistakes? I always fear making mistakes because they are usually accompanied by painful feelings of guilt that never depart me. But the thing is, people do wrong and sometimes even the wrong tastes great. Moreover, my religion says that I can seek forgiveness and even seeking forgiveness tastes really good. So why the hell am I seeking this perfection.

A friend of mine once told me that a woman seeking perfection makes her a "perfect" woman. He also told me that the fact that I always seek being perfect makes me a good partner. However, I need to stop seeking it, because at the end of the day, I find it depressing coz I never will be perfect the way I want myself to be.

I wish I could just accept the woman in me just the way it is and stop pressurising myself with this "perfection" thing. I'm making mistakes and feeling good about myself for a change ;)

Some moments are just so uneasy and ridiculous that you really want to end them.
But to your surprise, they tend to be never ending and no matter what you do, they wont end.
You try to move, to end the outting, the phone call, but they don't.

You keep wondering what happened? What has gone wrong? Why are we so silly, so quite? But you find no answers. No solutions. No hope in ending this state.

The clock doesnt move and the words don't come. No ideas, nothing.
Its just silence and ridiculous thoughts.

I'm out of here. I wanna go away. I feel ridiculous again.
I have nothing to say and I feel so distant. I feel so selfish, so insecure again.
I feel uneasy and tired. I feel guilty and irrational.
I'm worried.
I'm gonna bury my head in bed.

"Whore.. You're a whore.. A WHORE"
And that is all she could hear on her way home.
The voices inside her head screaming "whore, whore, WHORE"
She turned the volume up, listening to Metallica's "Unforgiven III", in an attempt to end those voices inside her head. But she could still hear the brutal word even higher and higher.

She drove fast. As fast as she could, as if taking revenge from that voice inside her head. She insisted on driving fast to scare the voice away, but it was there, laughing at her. Telling her that she has become a whore and she could never break out of it.

"I'm not a whore", she said and went on convincing that voice that she is a good person. But the voice didnt stop his repeating the word more and more.

Finally home. Talking to people, listening to music, singing, eating, doing everything possible to stop that voice inside her head, with no hope, no escape.

The best thing ever!

A friend of mine told me today that the best thing ever is to lie in bed with the one you love.

And I couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel like lying in the same bed with my baby. Wouldn’t it be heaven? Just me and him, in our room, our bed, our home, and under our blanket. It would be the best thing ever, and I wouldn’t ask for more.

At the thought of it, I realized how much I miss him. It’s been ages since we’ve been together alone. We’ve been all worried about plans and the apartment that we didn’t have time to be together. And I was so worried about things that meant nothing if weighed with how much I love him and how much I want to be with him.

I just miss him. I miss his air, his breathing next to me, his holding me tight. I miss his smiling at me and his laughing with me. I miss his looking into my eyes for so long that I want to hide from them. I miss his voice whispering things in my ears. I miss his smell, his touch, his protectiveness. I miss his warmth, and the feeling of security I get when he’s around.

I miss him and I would really want to lie in bed beside him and fall asleep by his side every night. That would be the best thing ever :D