After 10 hours of waiting and when I finally can smile, I'm bombarded with more shit so that I can't even spend a decent calm night. And now all I can think of is her. Why can't she just get out of my life for good? As if I can tolerate more shit.

I'm scared.
I'm afraid I'd keep quite and end up losing. And I'm scared that complaining might lead to lies.
I'm tired of the fire I'm feeling deep inside.

Her existence fills me with insecurities.
I wait for the bad news. For the announcement of my coming pain and loneliness.
I imagine all the bad things that could happen. I see her ruining my life for some reason.
But again, I end up blaming myself for it all.

I'm too possessive. A jealous freak. A clingy bitch. An insecure creature. What can I do about that?

Why is it that there has to be a flaw in everything? Why do I have to spend days and nights worried and waiting for shit to come?

When I sought advice, I was told that I have the right to feel that way. They also told me that I am good for being that patient and keeping those feelings to myself. However, they warned me about losing the friendship I just built. They simply told me to stay the way I am, which means more frustration and more waiting for something bad to happen.

I wonder when will this war inside me end.