As soon as I knew that we're meeting "x", my esteem went below zero...
Whenever the name pops up, I start picking every single thing that I hate about myself, and I end up thinking of how ugly, silly, dramatic, boring and worthless I am...
I simply lose all confidence; if any exists in me...

I like x.. She is fun, nice, good to talk to... But on my way to that place, all I felt was worry about what I am, how I look... I forgot all the words and all the languages... All I could think of is how ugly I am... And not just looks, I was thinking of all the ugliness one could have... And as usual, I ended up hating myself, believing that I can't take me anymore, and I wanted so much to get rid of that "me" that I always hated...

I always feel insecure when x is around. I feel small, weird.... so WEIRD and intolerable...
I hate me... And I hate the insecurity in me... I hate that I don't like me and I hate that I never accepted it... I hate that I keep talking about perfection and I just hate this ugliness that I keep thinking about... I hate that I never felt like I am worthy or good... And I want to hide from this feeling fast...