Going nuts again!

I had a busy head on my way to work.

Couldnt unplug my head and stay in a state of nothingness like I aspired to.

Traffic was ridiculous as usual. "Salah Salem" was blocked like every single morning. It takes me an hour to go to work because of the jam I drive in every single morning. I'm tired of it already. I want to move out of this place. I want to move out of the whole country. I want to go somewhere nice. Somewhere more organized and disciplined. Why is it all so sofisticated and crowded?

I wake up every morning with a certain mood. Not a bad mood, nor a sad mood... I would rather call it a depressed mode of thought. I just wake up, wear anything without even looking at myself in the mirror. I dont wear accessories anymore. I dont wear makeup. I simply dont want to go there. I go to work, with a quite mode. Always having my face in the screen and not communicating with anyone. Just me, the music, the work, and that is basically it.

I stay in that mode even when i'm driving back home. I start smiling a litte bit as soon as I see my parents, specifically my father. I usually miss him more than any other member of the family. I like sleeping beside him in bed and telling him how my day went. I like it when he listens carefully and give me advice. I even like it when he reminds me of how stupid and naiive I can sometimes be. He is my protector, he is my father, my male figure. Although he is not the cozy, loving kind, he is the protecting and supportive kind. He is so experienced in every single situation in life. He knows all kinds of people, he tells me how to deal with every single one of them. I wish I can be like him one day.

My best friend is so far away. She is having a hard time alone. She is tired of being alone and tired of always being stuck with bad people. She is unhappy and unhealthy. I wish I could do something to her. I wish I could be there for her. I thought I was going to Qatar to attend a conference there this month, but unfortunately, it was cancelled, so I'm not seeing her. I wonder how is she doing??

I miss my baby. I didnt see him. I was supposed to have lunch with him today, but now that I have to attend this event at 7:30pm, I will not be able to see him. He is sick. He has a soar throat and a cold. He isnt feeling well. And I was wondering, do I make him happy? Do I satisfy his needs? Is he happy with me? I have no clue.

Im on a diet. My tumy has been a disaster lately. Im all swollen. I have to stop eating sweets. I have to stop eating everything. Ive been on this diet for almost a week, and its getting on my nerves. Why cant I be thin while eating everything I want to eat. I hate salad, I hate fruits, I hate grilled stuff. I'm all tired of it. I want CHOCOLATE.

I dont like myself. Ive been into a couple of tests lately, and I believe that I failed in them. I'm not smart enough. I'm not wise enough. I'm not good enough.

I'm going nuts.